Captured to Become a Vampire Prince's Bride Chapter One

I LIVE! Hello all members of the... internet. It is I, Rinrei, and I have come back to you all with an original fiction written by crystalbyugan on the website Quizilla. Now, I have no idea what is going on in this series as I was checking out the most popular stories on Quizilla (some were unpleasant) and thought I would give the most popular genre a shot (even though I'm not a particular fan of vampire romances these days, there are a few good ones out there). This series is still going on, and is on its 31st chapter; I will take up the challenge of reviewing all the chapters. With that thought in mind; here's my criti-thing.

"Come on Arianne! It's getting dark!" My best friend Selena urged," You know this place isn't safe at night and besides, we've been here all day." (Immediate comment on the fact that these are very uncommon and old-fashioned names and should be changed. Even if they were, say vampires from long, long ago, they're names would have changed over time. Along with this, I find it much more likely that these teenagers would actually be out all night with a group of friends getting drunk or looking for ghosts. Far too many times I've faced them.)

I was busy exploring the off limited parts of the park as it was 11:30pm and all the park workers had left (Does this mean there is construction going on around the park? Parks don't have park workers. If there's construction going on, mention it. Describe the scenery. Elaborate for us.). Out of the corner of my eyes up in a tree I could see a pair of blue eyes, and a pair of green eyes, watching me from above(The only eyes that I know to be reflective are animal eyes and even then humans hardly ever see them. I think it would be more believable if she were to hear rustling or walking nearby, run to her friend and decide it was time to leave. That would be what I would do in that situation. Along with this, you introduce this threat far too early; have your character explore a bit more, develop her and her personality. Why exactly is she out this late? Go into greater detail.). I tried to squint to try to make out the silhouettes, but before I knew it they were gone. I shook my head, and walked back over to Selena who was stood waiting impatiently for me. (I think Aria's response to the situation would further develop her character. If she were to run towards the eyes to see what they were, it would show a curious and reckless character, if she were to leave them be but keep an eye on the bushes, she would be a cautious person. If she were to sneak over to the bushes to see if she could get a closer look but leave if she thought she was getting to close, it would show a cautious but curious individual. Use this moment! I know nothing of your character yet.)

"Come on let's hurry. I saw two creepy eyes watching me in a tree."

The park we were in was huge and it was a twenty minute walk to the exit, me and Selena were walking as fast as we could. It began to get colder and darker and eventually I could see my steamy breath. (Parks are never this large. At least, not where I am. A 15 minute walk from one end to the other is the maximum and that's at the average walking pace of 4mph *don't ask why I timed it*. The phrase "steamy breath" doesn't seem to create the correct atmosphere; I mistakenly thought of a hot temperature before I remembered that that doesn't happen. Try 'icy breath' or just 'breath'.)

"Gosh temperature falls to quickly here.("Damn, it gets cold around here way too fast." Is a much easier way to get to the point.)" I heard Selena mutter grumpily," Arianne it's your fault if I'm ill with the cold tomorrow." She jabbed me in my arm.

I chuckled," Aww come on. You didn't have to wait for me." I teased.

I glanced behind me as I felt we were being followed and as I thought, the two silhouettes were following us. The same ones from in the tree with the blue and green eyes, they were approaching fast. (What would be more effective was if you were to have the character turn their head while they were talking to Selena and see something out of the corner of their eye and then notice the two figures. Build up the atmosphere, build up the tension to make it seem as thought the characters are really in danger.)

"Selena. Don't look, but I think we're being followed." I muttered , only slightly turning my head to her ear so she could here me, and so it wasn't obvious I was on to the two stalkers.

"Arianne. I know this is just one of your prank,s just so you can yell 'psyche! Gotcha again!' I'm not falling for it."(She doesn't take this seriously enough. Have more detail into the fact that Aria actually looks creeped out and after this comment make Selena aware of this.)

"No I'm actually being serious. Hurry up."

"So you're telling me if I turn around there'll be two guys following us?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed.

She stopped and turned behind,"Haha very funny." She rolled her eyes and gave a sarcastic laugh.

"What?" When I turned there was nothing there at all. It was just me, Selena and the creepy trees. Was I hallucinating maybe? Was I really that tired? Or maybe I ate something weird. Either way whatever it was that were following us couldn't have been there in the first place. Things don't just vanish, and even if they did, how would they climb a 20 foot fence or just run off into the forest? I sighed a sigh of relief. (Yet more things that you did not explain. Here, you need to rephrase a few things just to make it easier to read. Have Aria rub her eyes a few times just to make sure before she concludes that she was in fact hallucinating, continue on their little trek, elaborate more on the scenery and how the character's are feeling.)

"Arianne?"Selena whispered in a shaky tone, "Are those the things you were on about?" (Did Selena turn around? Why? Or are they perhaps in front of her? Explain this.)

They were about 10 feet away from us. But how? And what were they? Were they some weird mutant humans? (So they don't look human. Describe them. Don't leave it all up to the reader. Are they a yellowish colour? 10 feet tall? Have more limbs than a human would normally have? Shark teeth *oh lord, shark teeth*.)

"We have to run!" She demanded grabbing my wrist and attempting to run the long way around the two things. Hopefully we could outrun them with our tag and football skills. (The last sentence is clumsy, perhaps because the information of football and tag is introduced weakly.)

Suddenly we were flung apart.

"My arm!" Selena yelled. (Just have her scream.)

When I looked up one of the things were between us. He was paying his attention to Selena, but when he did turn me. He wasn't anything like I described. In fact the complete opposite. He was just a guy, maybe a year or two older than me and Selena. But his eyes. Why were they like that? (This is a good paragraph, mainly for the ending.)

Glowing...

"Now, if either of you move we'll tear out your throats. Understand?" He looked back to Selena, "You, go to your friend, stay there and don't speak." He snapped. (More menacing if he were to snarl menacingly; get a look at those lovely teeth of his.)

She ran over to me, obviously terrified.

"We have to run Arianne!" She whispered.

"What good will that do? You saw how one threw us apart what if the other gets involved? No, we'll wait until we're out on the road." 

Inside I knew she was right, but we had two options, 20 foot fence or deep dark forest. Neither was an option. Well, not a logical option. They would catch up to us in no time, and then we were as good as dead.

"Arianne we have to try." She pleaded.

"Your wrist is dislocated. No. Just stay put."

She slumped and sighed, before I could say anything she had jetted off heading off to the forest. She was crazy! Surely she didn't think she could escape? I watched the violent one turn viciously.

"Hey!" The main guy called,"Leyton! Keep an eye on this one!" He ordered, referring to me.

'Leyton' stood in front of me. He didn't look as violent as the other guy, but who knew?

"I'd suggest you looked away from your friend." He murmured. (It isn't mentioned that she was looking in the direction her friend was running.)

"Huh?" I gave him a weird look.

I heard a blood curdling scream that was immediately cut off. The guy had ripped out Selena's throat with his teeth. (Does Aria see the blood on his face and assume this?) Blood was flying from her as her half alive body flopped to the floor. She layed on her back and she began to fit. (Perhaps make this situation more gruesome. Make it even clearer than this man is no more than a dangerous animal. How is he responding. Does he not show any emotion? Is he smiling? Frowning?)

"Selena!" I yelled, I ran over and put her hand in mine, and began to cry. Her blood was going over me as I hugged her frail body. She began to choke on her blood as it came flying from both her mouth and neck,"Selena don't die! Please don't die!" I begged. She had tears coming from her eyes which resulted in me crying heavier. (I feel there isn't quite enough heartbreak in this paragraph. Go into a little bit more detail, rephrase things ever so slightly and this'll be true angst. The truth is I don't feel much for Selena's death since I haven't been given much time to know her.)

She couldn't die, I wouldn't let her. Not tonight. Not before her time. I violently pulled the scarf from around my neck and pressed it over Selena's throat applying as much pressure as possible. I knew it was pointless, it would only pro-long her death. Her painful death.

Slowly her eyes began to roll back into her head, as she began to silence."Selena? Selena!" I cried whilst shaking her body waiting for a reaction from her. (Perhaps have her slap Selena's cheek to see if she's sleeping. Have her go into immediate denial. Perhaps pinch her own cheek to see if she's actually sleep.)

"She's dead. I made sure I tore out her windpipe." Said the guy smirking down at me.

"You bastard!! You killed her! You killed her!!" I screamed at him as loud as my lungs would let me. (Have the other person hold her back as she snarls and actually tries to kill the man in front of her. Just how scary is she when she's angry? Does she look like a psychotic puppy or bull?)

Looking at the guy I noticed he looked very similar to the one with green eyes. They had to be twins.

"She heard my warning as clear as you did. Move and you die. You didn't think I was bluffing did you?" I heard him laugh slightly,"Now come on. We're leaving."

"No! I'm staying here with her. I can't just leave her like this." I slowly closed Selena's eyes with my two fingers and covered up as much of her upper body with my jacket. (No one would react this calmly unless they saw a dead body before. It would be more depressing if she were to just sit there, or lay there and weep. That would be a very painful scene to watch.)

"Why? The cops will only arrest you with her murder."

"I'm not leaving!!" I repeated. It was my fault she was dead, if we had left at seven, when she said, we wouldn't be in this situation. We be at her house watching a movie with some hot chocolate in a warm bed. 

Alive. (That's pretty impactful. Keep it.)

"We're leaving now!" He demanded

"No!"

He sighed and shook his head," You're both as stubborn as each other."

"Jayden, you can't kill her. She's the last one on the list. We have to bring her back." (Make it clear that Jayden actually looks like he's about to kill her. Have his brother stop him just before he does. Actions speak louder than words. Then have Jayden relax.)

He scowled and glared at me (Aria wouldn't be looking at this point. She'd be looking at her friend.). He clenched his fists, that was the last thing I saw before everything went black... (The ellipses at the end is unnecessary. Since Aria would not be looking all she would see was Selena before she a heavy weight hit the back of her head, and the fading image of her dead friend. I feel this would work better.)

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Tell me what you think and if i should carry on or not :P thanks for reading! :)x

Alright, a decent chapter. The main problem I find with this first chapter is that you don't give us enough time to feel sad about Selena's death as we know nothing about her, and we don't see the true horror of just how much it affected Aria. Here I make a reference to the first episode of Attack on Titan where the main character's mother is eaten alive in front of him by a titan. It is completely heart-wrenching and disturbing because we see his relationship with his mother beforehand, we see their relationship, we see him struggle to stop the situation, and we see the terror on both sides. Developing the character's personalities and description of scenery are the two major problems with this. Most of this chapter is talk, and while that may work with a TV script, it doesn't work for story writing. We don't even know what time of year it is. Is it snowing? Are the trees orange? I don't know. The characters are rather bland at the moment; I can't really contrast the character's of Aria and Selena because they seem too alike other than Selena wanted to leave earlier than Aria which makes me assume she's more responsible.

Other than that, this has the potential to be an interesting story. I'll be reading the next chapter soon.

Great! Now I'm in Yu-Gi-Oh Egypt! Chapter Two

And I'm back once more. Expect me to link a great number of references to the New Kingdom of Ancient Egypt both as reference to the author, and to any people that pop by for both fan-fiction and normal fiction (they both serve the same purpose, no?). So, with that thought in mind, let's hop right to it.

 I wake up, feeling ached and tired(get grammar check on this sentence; there's something wrong with the sentence structure that makes it feel off-balance when read). Last night, I wasn't able to sleep very easily("I slept terribly last night" sounds better), with the intense coldness(Copy that. Deserts are freezing at night, and I slept out in the cold because my dad was snoring inside.). I was chattering like crazy, with only a hide piece of fur that was supposed to serve for a blanket!(Linen sheets were most commonly used for bedsheets, so it would be more likely that these were used. Link below.*)

Michael then tells me in breakfast, "It's common in Egypt, the temperatures are crazy! At daytime, it's very hot, and at night time, it's freezing, even to the points of below average temperatures!" (This isn't necessary. Perhaps have the sequence in which she gets out of bed, and sees Michael in the other room. Have her explore a bit.)

I sneeze. "Next time, can I have a decent blanket to serve me?" I moan, even though I know that I sound like a brat.

Michael smiles apologetically. "I'll see to it. But you'll get use to these temperatures eventually…"

"Eventually," I repeat, slumping down. Adapting to all of this is going to drive me crazy! It doesn't help from the fact that I came from the 21st century, a place with ACs, junk food, and TV—electricity overall! (Have her struggle against these sort of things later. For example, reaching out for a mobile and then realizing she doesn't have one, or craving crisps at one random point and having to deal with boiled potatoes instead. On that note, here's a link to the foods of Ancient Egypt that were most common.**)

I can feel my stomach grumbling from the unsatisfactory breakfast of prickly pears, maize, and lukewarm water. I wanted pop tarts or lucky charms! (Oh you Americans and your strange diets. I haven't had pop tarts since a good few months ago. Depending on the time of tear, a breakfast would most commonly consist of melons, apples, pomegranates, figs and sometimes fish. They would eat a lot since they wouldn't have lunch.)

"…By the way Violet, I'll be trying to teach you some basic Arabic phrases and words today." Michael mentions to me. (Ancient Egyptian and Arabic are two different languages. Perhaps have it that he is instead a translator that was visiting the museum to see one of the exhibits or to meet a friend or something of the sorts. Here's another link for Ancient Egyptian.***)

"Oh. Okay."

"I'll teach you some right now." Michael then gets up, and comes back with papyrus and some kind of reddish ink. He writes some words on the papyrus, words with the English and Arabic meaning, and hands it over to me. (Papyrus was actually pretty expensive in Ancient Egypt. I imagine this dapper gentleman having a satchel containing the sort of things one would have in such a satchel, including a notebook and a pen. Use this instead.)

I look over it. There are the basic phrases such as: 'Hello, Goodbye, Sorry, You're Welcome, Thank you, How much is this,' and 'I love you.' I notice that some phrases look and sound the same, so it'll be very confusing. I rub my temples. 

Michael reads the phrases out to me in Arabic, and I repeat them. We repeat this process for a few minutes, when somebody comes in. "Alright, study this, I just need to help some patients." He says to me. I nod, and look over the paper. (He was only here for a short time, I don't think he would become a doctor so early. In fact, this entire time I've imagined him living on the edge of the village in a somewhat abandoned house with the villagers being cautious of him.)

The only ones that stick to me are 'Hello and goodbye.' I keep on mixing the phrases 'I love you' and 'Will you be my friend' up with each other. (Make sure you check this out in case. I'm no hieroglyphic maniac, but there could be some people out there. Use the third link for reference. It'll also link you to another number of useful websites.***) 

Michael nods to me. "Just keep on practicing these simple phrases everyday, and you'll be able to remember them. Soon enough, you'll be able to move on to full sentences." (I learned in Egypt that the best way to pick up a language is to know the basic phrases and explore the markets. You can use these basic phrases such as thank you and no thank you and soon you'll pick up phrases such as 'Fresh fish, real cheap' which was something I actually learned. If you spend around six months within such a country, you can become almost fluent in the language. My friend also succeeded in this while she was in India.)

"I hope I won't." I say in low spirits.

"Why?" (Michael asks in a curious fashion.)

"Because it'll take me by the next two months(rather accurate?). And I certainly don't want to be here that long!" 

Michael laughs. "Well, you also need to do some chores." (Let's pour some salt onto that injury, why don't we?)

"Chores?"

"Yes. Come on out Jahi(there's a link below to Ancient Egyptian names.****)!" he calls out to somewhere. A small girl, probably of eleven years old, comes out. She has long black hair reaching to her waist, and dark tan skin, with dark glowing eyes. 

She cocks her little head at me, curiously.

"This is Violet. Introduce yourself." Michael says to her in Arabic.

Jahi steps up to me, and gazes into me. I can read her expression. You're strange and you don't belong here, don't you? (The girl stares up at me with piercing amber eyes. I know that look all too well: "You're strange, and you don't belong here.")

She says, "Hello,"

At least I know what she said. "Hello," I say uncertainly. "Will you be my friend?" I ask, trying to be friendly.

Michael and Jahi both smile, as if amused of what I just said. "W-what's the matter?" I question, confused, when Jahi bursts out giggling.

"You said 'I love you'! What were you intending to say?" Michael says, grinning.

I did a facepalm(I covered my face in shame. Of course.). "I meant to say, 'Will you be my friend' but I got the phrases mixed up!"

They both laugh more. Jahi looks over to me, her eyes twinkling with warmth now. "You're funny." She says, and I guess what she said is good, even though I didn't understand what she said. 

"Don't speak too much Arabic to her. She's a foreigner. Just draw water and gather the required herbs from the oasis." Michael says to her. She nods. (Again, the main languages used during this time of Ancient Egypt are: Greek, Latin, Babylonian, Ancient Egyptian, and Bantu, none of which Violet studies.)

Michael hands me a satchel with some papyrus inside filled with notes and a flask of water with some other Egyptian food. "She'll show you the way to an oasis. Just follow her lead." Michael whispers to me. He hands me a bucket. (As a fun note, the chances are that this village as a well of sorts that collects the rain that occassionally appears. I was actually there when it rained in the desert and it was very green as soon as it stopped. The people still living in the desert actually had their roofs at a slant as they were built into a rocky area and the rain would move downwards into man-made channels to an area where they kept their water. It was very subtle and very clever.)

I nod in agreement, and follow Jahi out of the house. I notice that she's carrying a crossbeam, with two buckets on the end. It must be for carrying water. We walk through the streets of the city(wasn't this just a village?), until we make it to some kind of fence with camels inside. Jahi talks to some grown-ups, and they nod, bringing out a camel. (Here's a link to the travel of Ancient Egypt. They most commonly used donkeys or horses. *****)

She takes the camel by a rope around his neck, and walks him throughout the crowded streets. I follow her, glancing around. I see vendors on the side, lines of more adobe houses, or Egyptian people going on with their everyday lives. (Go into a little more detail of the environment. Draw people in.)

After a few more minutes, we make it out of the city, and Jahi mounts on the camel. I stare at her. She looks over to me. "Well? Get on, silly girl!" she says to me, smiling.

I look at the camel's humpy back. It looks very uncomfortable. I walk over to her, and clasp her outreached small hand. I manage to get on the back. Jahi then pats the camel, and it begins to walk. Let me correct that. Trek. It's trekking. Very…slooooolllyyy… (Not really. I've been on a camel. So long as you aren't a guy, it's actually quite comfortable, and running isn't unpleasant. It's only when they sit down that you risk falling off.)

The heat is burning. I pant, shielding my face. "Can this thing go any faster?" I whisper to Jahi, who seems unbothered by the heat. (Again, more detail.)

"Huh? It walks slowly. But if you want to walk on the hot, scorching sand, find by me! It can probably walk faster!" she says to me. Oh yeah, I forgot, it's the problem of MISCOMMUNICATION. Gosh damn it…

An hour later, I see a flash of green up ahead. I look up, seeing a small patch of palm trees and water. "Wow! What the heck is this doing out in the middle of nowhere?" I ask in shock.

"It's an oasis that the city uses. It's a good thing we came early, because not much people are here yet." Jahi says. (Actually, if you arrived early there would be a lot of people there. Afternoon would be the best time, but around that time the heat can reach 52C)

I did not understand a word she just said, but I think that this must be an oasis (she would get the idea through basic phrases she already knows. For example, when you do French you catch familiar words that you already know and you guess the phrase because of it.). It always mystifies me how these patches of life are out in the hot, scorching, lifeless desert.

Once we make it there, Jahi brings the camel over to the cool water to drink. I excitedly splash around in the water, as if it's the last thing I'll ever see.

Jahi laughs (I'd think she'd be more strict. People were very serious about the water supplies). "Other people use this water too! And you better start filling up the buckets!" she calls out.

But I continue to splash around excitedly. Finally, I got settled down, and I obediently fill the buckets with water, along with Jahi. We set them down, and she takes out the papyrus that Michael gave us.

She points at the paper. I glance down, seeing drawings of plants and herbs. I'm assuming that we also came here to find these plants for Michael, I guess. Jahi gets up and says, "I'm going over there to search for this," She points to an herb on the paper. (It would be better if she went to the market for something like this instead. It was possible.)

"You look for this," she says, pointing to me, and back to a picture of a plant. She gives it to me, and she then goes off into the lush bushes and trees. I'm also guessing that I have to search for the plant that she pointed to. I get up, and start searching the ground.

As I'm looking, I suddenly hear a shrill scream. I jump up. "Jahi?" I yell, running into the direction she went. I then find her…under the grasp of an Egyptian spiky white haired boy. I feel like as if I recognize him, somewhere from my time…but, I have no time to think of that now, because he has a knife! (Ain't nobody got time for that! Don't make her feel as though she knows him, that's too cliched.)

"You get away from her!" I shout, picking up a branch.

He looks over to me, and back to a very scared Jahi. "So there's more of you scum from the Pharaoh's kingdom? I would have to get rid of you," he snarls. (TKB would most likely avoid causing trouble among the public, instead focusing his attention on the pharaoh and the government. He'd most likely want to actually gain the support of the people.)

"I said get away from her!" I say angrily, and I go over to the boy and bonk(this sounds comedic. Make it a full out hit over the head.) him on the head as I hard as I could with my branch.

He turns to me, anger flashing in his eye. "You dare provoke me?" he says, eyeing me with his steely blue eyes. Uh-oh, I think I just made him pissed. (He actually had toned down purple eyes. They are actually possible, hard to believe. I think he would most likely snarl and then get up. Make the situation more menacing if you do decide to continue it.)

"Run Jahi, run and get help!" I shout to her, now that his attention is off her. She squeals, and quickly runs away.

He bellows. Yep, I made the situation even worse, hooray. The boy pins me to a tree, with the dagger close to my neck.

"You have some nerve, just coming into my oasis, into my property. I won't let you get out." He says to me. (Didn't you say that the villagers used this oasis all the time?)

"I have no idea what you just said, but let me go!" I say, trying to get away from the blade of his knife.

He scoffs. "I have no idea what you're saying, but I won't let you go. Because nobody dares provoke Thief King Bakura!" (The phrase: "I have no idea what you're saying" is used too much and it's becoming repetitive. Don't have them say this stuff; they're fighting each other. Maybe something different like: "Fucking Foreigner, I'll slit your throat right here!" or something more menacing.)

I once again had no idea what he just said, but I did caught on the last part of what he said…Bakura…Thief King Bakura? Why does that sound all too familiar? But before I even have time to think about it, he hits me on the head—very hard I must mention, with the bottom of his dagger. I fall to the ground, unconscious. (This is clumsily written. Consider something more like this: "I recognized that name. I kicked and I struggled against the boy as I tried to escape. Then it hit me. The boy hit my head against the rock. Oh... Bakura. You're Bakura.")

Overall, I see a little bit of improvement. I can see more detail put into your story, but you have a habit of repeating phrases over and over again, and it's mildly off-putting. Again, historical accuracy is necessary, and a bit of slowing down. Exploring the environment and adaption to the situation is good. I think it would be interesting to see Violet trying to adapt to her experience with this lovely young gentleman and perhaps she'll start to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome and they'll slowly develop an awkward relationship of some sorts without very much happening because of what is known to happen at the end. I think that would be interesting. On that note, I think you should get a beta reader to make sure you've got your grammar and spelling and the such tip-top. 

* http://www.reshafim.org.il/ad/egypt/timelines/topics/furniture.htm

** http://www.reshafim.org.il/ad/egypt/timelines/topics/vegetables.htm

*** http://www.reshafim.org.il/ad/egypt/people/transliteration.htm

**** http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/category-ancient-egyptian-names.html

***** http://www.reshafim.org.il/ad/egypt/timelines/topics/means_of_transportation.htm

Song of a Shadow Chapter One

Hello to all! I have returned once more, although only for a short while as soon I shall be taking a 9 and a half hour train journey down to Wales and then I shall take a boat to France for a week where I will have no internet access. Considering this fact, I thought it best that I review yet another fanfiction, this one being within the FMA: Brotherhood category. I'm too lazy (as always) to go into a full out description of the series, but I can tell you that this story centers around some poor little girl and the 'lovely' Selim Bradley who I suggest you avoid under all circumstances if you ever hear his presence. On that note, I feel I should mention that this story was created on Quizilla which pretty much prevents you from having proper paragraphing, grammar, spelling, etc. so some of the spelling and grammar errors are due to that. I mean, I wouldn't survive twelve seconds if I didn't have the right programs to stop me from goofing up. Anyway, that's enough talking on my part, this is the first chapter of Song of a Shadow (I prefer Shadow Song or Shadow Tune though, less of a mouthful)

Pride's P.O.V (It's always best to stick to one P.O.V, although I personally prefer if third person is used instead as it's much easier to describe the characters and the situation)

It was raining outside. My Mother thought it would be best to get me a baby sitter(I can't help but wonder if he would get a nanny instead. Perhaps change her role to that instead...), even though the servants were always here. According to Wrath She is Riza Hakweye and Roy Mustang's daughter (on that note, I feel I should point out that marriage between subordinates is illegal. Along with this, this is one point on the Mary-Sue counter). She is a state alchemist and uses wind alchemy (Unnecessary. There's no need for her to use alchemy or be a state alchemist. You need to have a very good reason to join the military at all. I don't think this is necessary.). She was one of the few to master it. I really don't want some women standing over my shoulder all the time. I heard the large door open down stairs and I walked down(More description of the scenery or what Selim is doing would be nice. Make the readers feel like they were there.). It was time to pretend. There she was, she couldn't be any older than thirteen(wow, so accurate. On that note, you have to be at least 14 to work at all, and around 16 to work as a babysitter. I know, I went thought that experience), she was soaked in water making her full curves visible(if she is indeed 13, then she had hardly began to develop. 14 year olds only have busty bodies in those horrible animes from hell. Please give her a simple figure). She was panting and looked like she was about to fall over(Isn't someone supposed to answer the door for her? Along with that, I think she would come prepared for the poor weather. After all, she's supposed to have a good impression on the people on the day or she ain't keeping the job for long.). My Mother draped her in a towel.

"Am I late?" The girl asked clearly out of breath. Yet than in walked Wrath(I don't understand what this is supposed to say), she stood straight and saluted, the towel now hanging from one shoulder. Wrath chuckled at the sight of one of his military workers in such poor condition and saluting. (Perhaps add a tiny bit more to this?)

"At ease Momoko(Japanese name. No, no. That's going to add to people criticism. Go for a British or a German name. Even Riza is short for Erizabeth which is the Japanese way of saying Elizabeth)," He chuckled. "You should get something warm into you, you looked like a rat that crawled out of the sewer."

"Is it really that bad?" Momoko ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. It was matted and stuck to her face, but that's what she gets for running through a down pour like this(I always imagine that when Pride thinks, he uses more proper terms and mannerisms considering his age).Wrath sent a maid off to go get her some soup(This is definitely not a good start for her. Normally employers would see you as no good if they had to take care of you and find another babysitter the next day). They nodded a farewell to her and left(Perhaps explain earlier why they're leaving and Selim's protests. After all, he is clearly showing his dislike of the situation so surely he protested earlier). Momoko looked over at me standing on the stairs. "You must be Selim." She smiled warmly. I could just make out sharp animal like fangs were her canine's were(Nopey nope. Normal teeth please.). I quickly retreated up off stairs only to her speak softly. "Cute kid, seems a little odd though."

Momoko's P.O.V

I was dragged up stairs into a warm bath, with a bowl of soup. I should be watching Selim, but the maid said she had it(Honestly, Momoko should be seen as more responsible and mature. She should have been seen as so from the very start rather than running blindly in the rain which makes her seem immature or unprepared). So I releaxed and sipped the warm soup. I couldn't get out until my clothes were returned. I heard the door creak open softly. I saw his black hair, and dark purple eyes. 

(Proper paragraphing.)"Selim?" I asked. I could see him nod and he crept back out again. What a strange little kid he was. That didn't matter right now. I reached into my purse on the toilet seat, and pulled out a small bottle of pills. I dropped two into the soup and stirred it around. "There that should stop the blood lust for now." I muttered. I wasn't human. I never was, and those two weren't my real parents. They adopted me. I was really two hundread years old, and I was a pureblood vampire. Riza and Roy took me in though, and I let them. They had no idea what I was, but as far as everybody knew I was their flesh and blood. (No. No. No. Every single one of these are a Mary-Sue factor, making your character more and more unrealistic. Vampires don't exist within the world of FMA, and I have dealt with enough vampires in my lifetime to hate them in any fanfiction that does have them in a world in which they do not exist. Along with this, there are no pills that can prevent bloodlust anywhere in the world. The best you get is an asylum and pills to stop psychotic fits by calming you down. Along with this, it is completely and utterly unnecessary. What's wrong with her being an ordinary human?)

The soup didn't last long and soon my clothes were given back to me. I quickly dried off, and put on my clothes. Drying my hair, brushing it, and putting my butterfly clip back in. (More description of the scenery around her before this please. Give us a feeling of just how fancy this place is compared to other places)

I walked through the mansion looking for Selim. He didn't seem to want to be found. I heard high squeaks then sudden silence. Like a rat being killed(Build up the suspense a little more here). I felt a shiver run through my body.

Prides's P.O.V

The small rodent was in the grasp of my shadow. That baby sitter. I wanted her dead. something about her was off. She was not a human. I could kill her easily, make it look like an assassin. Instead though I killed off a small rat. It didn't contain my burning wish to spill Momoko's blood. I found her outside my bedroom. She had gotten out of her bath. The strange girl looked me over. A look in her eye almost asking if I was human. I could feel it in her, she wasn't. I wanted to voice that out loud, but found I could not. Momoko's had found I wasn't human yet said nothing. We just looked each other in the eye. (I feel it unnecessary to go into Pride's P.O.V. Along with this, it annoys me that he just knows she isn't human. I still want her to be human, just some poor girl who got a babysitting job that, by complete accident, learned the truth but keeps it secret in fear of her own life. I feel that would be MUCH more interesting.)

"I won't tell if you don't." Her voice invaded my ears. I just nodded and walked off. I heard her being dragged off by a maid somewhere.

Momoko's P.O.V

I knew he wasn't human, it had just hit me the moment I looked into his eyes. When I really took a look. That didn't matter as a maid dragged me to the door where the Furher and his wife now stood. They smiled and I saw my father in the car outside. I bowed, and left. My first job only lasted a couple of hours, but I found a lot.

Alright, I won't deny that this doesn't quite meet my expectations. It has the potential to become an amazing suspense story (basically anything including Pride/Selim can turn into a suspense), but sadly it does not reach the mark. Nothing is built up except for that brief moment with the rat, but the suspense was cut far too short due to the sentence structure. Along with this, far too much is revealed far too early which completely obliterates the chances of creating a suspense. Build this stuff up, make us feel the fear that Momoko feels.

On that note, the one major flaw within this story is the character Momoko herself. Here's a list of changes that need to be done to make her a more realistic character:

• A change in name (specifically German or English)
• Her age to be of legal babysitting age (16+ to be hired)
• She does not need to be an alchemist, and being a state alchemist is an absolute no-no. She cannot be a state alchemist and a baby sitter
• Give her her own family. Don't just combine Roy and Riza together and say they adopted her. Create a family and a household for her. 
• Make her human. I cannot say this enough. Make her human. Vampires are prohibited in everything but AU's and even that has to be restricted greatly. I get enough vampires in my lifetime. 
• If you're wanting her to have a mental problem, search for real ones and the symptoms that come with it, the treatments and how this will affect her daily life
• Change her introduction and attitude. Babysitters are expected to be prepared for anything and everything and seen as mature and ready. Even when I was babysitting for my cousins, I would bring an umbrella on sunny days in case it rained. 

Explore the scenery and try to keep certain characters in character. How about a fun game of hide-and-seek or something of the sorts. Make it seem like Selim and Momoko are bonding, but give off a somewhat unsettling atmosphere which you can do through the occasional sentence:

"I couldn't seem to find him anywhere. He seemed to have vanished into thin air; he was like a shadow. I saw the thick red curtain move slightly and smiled. I think I found him."

You can help built up atmosphere by listening to music from shows such as Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, or Another which are great suspense horror animes with great music that will help you get by. 

On a final note, before posting on the not so trusty quizilla, make sure to grammar and spell check your chapters for the spelling and grammar errors that may occur. You can do this with your own computer, or you can find a spell/grammar check online.

Review: Great! Now I'm in Yu-Gi-Oh Egypt! Chapter One.

Turns out I'm not dead (shocking, right?) and I am still reviewing things, although lately I haven't found anything to read (mainly because I have been faced with so many Mary-Sue's it's actually scarring me for life) so it was quite a surprise when I came across this. This was from the Yu-Gi-Oh section (casually reliving my childhood) and is called Great! Now I'm In Yu-Gi-Oh Egypt! I was kinda hesitant at the title (I'm always fussy when it comes to titles), but I figured I would give it a shot, all things considered. So, this is a review of the first chapter of that long title ('The Many Misadventures of Garcia' would have made me giggle because I feel there are going to be a lot of misadventures in the future). Enough of the jibber-jabber, let's get started.
(Nah! I lie! Here, a little song for you while you read: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0FA1yENqDU

~Chapter One~

"Oh crap! For the last time I'm telling you, I'm NOT a witch!"(Since it is implied she is in Ancient Egypt here, I'm gonna say it; 'witchcraft' was not frowned upon in Ancient Egypt, nor were they necessarily called witches. They honoured the same ancient gods and were known to harmonize themselves with the natural forces much like the wiccans of today. Along with this, the colour black was not a colour of evil, but mostly commonly luck as it was the black soil that provided them with good land. Here's a link for more information on Egyptian magic: http://www.mcaegypt.org/egyptianmagic.html)  I shout, dodging another rock.

"Get out of here and never come back!" (How can Garcia understand this woman. Perhaps have it in italics or bold and have Garcia unable to understand what they are saying; I somewhat doubt she suddenly understands Arabic, better yet Ancient Egyptian) a villager shouts, throwing another rock at me.

I sprint away from the hail of rocks, running out of the crowded parts of the city(I repeat, they would not start pelting rocks at her because of her appearance. The chances are they would just throw hostile glares at her, after all they were quite hostile to outsiders but they wouldn't go to such extremes). I avoid the gazes of the guards post in front of the village, and run out to the hot empty desert(That wouldn't happen right away. I've been to Egypt myself and even in the desert villages, it's never a desert right away, and in this time there are guards around so they would most likely stop her at one point, thinking her a thief or something of the sorts).

After awhile, when I am certain that I got a good distance away, I plop down on the hot, hot sand(haha! I learnt that one the hard way. You could literally fry an egg on that stuff if it wasn't just dust).

"Ouch!" I hiss. I take out my umbrella, and my sweater to put under me(This seems a bit clumsy, try something a bit more like: "I pull off my sweater (why did I have it on in the first place?) and drop it clumsily on the sand. Taking out my umbrella, I stick it into the sand and hide under it. It seems that an umbrella is useful in a desert." Don't be afraid to go into a little detail.). I clutched the handle of the umbrella close to me, knowing that it's my certainty that I don't belong here. It all started this morning…a normal morning…(This seems a cliched transition. Try something more like: "I couldn't believe. If only it wasn't for that damned missing shoe..." or something like that. Something unexpected. I know she isn't missing a shoe here, but it's just an example.)

"Wake up!" I heard my mother shout.

I groaned only in reply, and rolled over.

"Up, up, UP!" she yelled, yanking the covers off the bed. ("I fell off the bed due to the sheer force of the yank.)

"Ughhhhhhhhh!" I moaned, very sleepy.

"Gah, you're going to be late for you're class trip! Now you get up right now Violet Garcia, or I will see to it personally that I will make you!"(Gosh, what a harsh mother. Perhaps put her in a lighter tone later on, or have a few flashbacks of nice times with her family. It'd be good to get a little backstory of Garcia so we can feel a little sympathy for her.) my mom said threateningly, hurrying out of my room.

I sighed tiredly, shuffling over to the mirror. My sandy blondish hair is disheveled, sticking out all over the place. I stared back at my tired blue eyes. (A grimy appearance is good, show her grumpy attitude as well while you're at it! She's a teenager! She has permission!)

That's right. It was a school trip to Washington D.C for a new Egyptian exhibit at a museum there(Even our school doesn't go that extreme, and we've had a trip to Borneo for two weeks to help orphanages and charities. Perhaps have it a little closer and for a little longer?). Then we'll have some kind of three-day overnight trip. It's pretty neat, so I guess that I wouldn't want to be late(A little enthusiasm. Come on, she's going halfway across the world. I'm a sarcastic little monkey and I'd be jumping for joy!).

Later, (Nothing wrong with just putting it into a new paragraph.)I got to school just in time, as my class was entering the bus to travel to Washington. (The driver wouldn't leave. The people always wait no matter what. We waited for at least 15 minutes for a group of girls to arrive onto the bus.)

"Good thing you got here in time V," my best friend, Kari Roblez, whispered to me. We call each other by initials, as something as our own thing(Clumsy sentence; rephrase).

I only yawned in reply.

She laughed along with my other best friend, Arianna Gonzales. 

"Isn't this so exciting? We're going to Washington!" she said, excitedly, her black rimmed glasses sliding off her nose.

"Been there, done that. I go there on vacations or on the weekends because, um, I don't know, we live in Virginia, and Virginia is the state right next to Washington!" I said sarcastically, grinning. (A little unnecessary, it only makes me dislike your character.)

Arianna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's three days without any lousy parents to watch over us!"

"But there's teachers to watch us." Kari pointed out.

Arianna huffed. "You two are no fun at all!"

We both laughed. "Well, I'll give you one point A, it's three days hanging out with my best friends!" I said, smiling.

"Girls, stop talking, and get on the bus!" Ms. Laura said, pushing us on the bus.

It was pretty fun on the bus, and not long, so we got to Washington in no time within three hours.(Have some time on the bus. Get to know some of the people. You get to know a lot about a character's world with a simple bus trip, plus we need a little extra goof around here. Plus we can have it that Garcia, or V, is about to fall asleep when the bus does come to a stop, allowing for a smoother transition.)

We get off in this huge looking museum. (You need to have a better description than this. Does it look regal or new? Is the material dark, giving it a foreboding look, or is it a light colour, making it look grand? If it's based on an actual museum in Washington, try and describe that place without giving it away. Give us a sense of the scenery; that's vital for good story-writing.)

"Neato!" Kari exclaimed.

I glanced up at the banner hung in front of the building. 'Exhibition of The Mystery Of Egypt, Secrets of the Eye of Wadjet!'

I recognized the symbol on the banner…

"Hey, that almost looks like something from Yu-Gi-Oh!" I said suddenly. (Okay... I'm letting you get away with it, but I would have preferred if this were in fact in the Yu-Gi-Oh world and also would have made Bakura's later appearance *as I know you will most likely be doing* all the more frightening since she doesn't know him or his past.)

Both of my friends rolled their eyes. "Ugh, V, when will you get over your obsession?" Arianna said, slightly annoyed, but smiling.

"Yeah, especially with that, Bakura!" Kari said teasingly.

I grew red in the face (Makes her seem a little creepy...). What they said was pretty much true. But I'm 15 years old! I got over it! …At least mostly. I still have that Yu-Gi-Oh poster up in the basement…

"Shut up. And I'm not obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh. It's just that banner reminded me of that…"

We all entered the museum. I looked around, seeing artifacts in cases, and some mummified bodies.

"Remember students, right down notes on what you see, because later we'll give you a review sheet. And feel free to wander around the museum, for the exhibition is open only to us the whole day. But don't make too much of a ruckus," One of our teachers said. (PFT! If only real life teachers were so trusting. Mind you, there was the one exhibition in Belgium, but there was always one teacher around mainly for us to talk to *a young one had to be taken* but also to keep an eye on us)

At first, I hung out with my friends, talking and copying notes off each other. But eventually, I trailed off from them, off to another room. It was dark at first. However, spotlights suddenly turned on. (No museum I've been to *and I've been to a lot* has done that. Have her wander off to an area that's been closed off and have her curiousity get the better of her. This makes the soon to be unpleasant transition take place seem more likely, as the area has clearly been sealed off and somewhat hidden for a reason. In the future, when things are back to normal, maybe have someone explain this to her.)

I blinked my eyes, and in front of me is a huge tablet. I looked around. Nobody else seemed to be in this part of the museum. I went up to the tablet. (Another moment in which you could have gone into great detail! What's the atmosphere like? What's the room like? How does she feel about this? Go into brief detail about the tablet itself. Don't waste these opportunities!)

It looked like the same Egyptian get-up…until I reached the bottom. I saw…a spiky haired figure. My eyes widened, and I stifled a gasp. (Try and make this a little more subtle. Perhaps avoid the noticing the figures this time, but instead have her looking at the hieroglyphs and say something she shouldn't out loud. Maybe when everything's all over have her see the figures and then have it all click. That would be epic!)

T-that looks like…like…! No, no, I must be hallucinating! Or maybe it's a real pharaoh! Do Egyptian pharaohs have spiky hair…? (No, they don't. They often had all the hair of their bodies removed as body hair was seen as impure.

I scanned more of the picture. It looked like the tablet from the Yu-Gi-Oh anime, only it was different. Though instead of Kaiba fighting against Yami Yugi, it was instead…Bakura.

I backed away from the tablet. I didn't understand. Why…why would something like this be in this museum…let alone here? Maybe it's fake, or decoration. (That would be my first presumption. I would flat-out deny the fact that it was real, most likely for an act or something, those things they sometimes do at museums to attract visitors)

To make sure that I wasn't crazy, I reached up to touch the tablet. My hand touches the Eye of Wadjet. The stone felt…so real. Cold. Ancient. 

Suddenly, it shined. And everything went black for me. (This transition is clumsy and needs some work. Perhaps nothing happens at first. Maybe she shrugs it off, declaring it a decoration, turns to leave when she hears a scratching or something, turns and then the tablet explodes. Then have her actually awake as she enters Ancient Egypt. That would be more dramatic and more fearful for Garcia's life, especially if you say something like: "It felt like a red hot needle was being stabbed into every pore of my body!" or something like that. Make the readers actually worry about what it going to happen to our heroine.)

I opened my eyes, and find myself…in a village. But it's not just any kind of village. It's an Egyptian styled setting. I fanned myself. So hot! Is this real? (Again, we need more description! What is she like when she first wakes up? How disorientated is she? Perhaps she gets up and sees the sandstone (or mud) houses and the villagers who look at her oddly, talking in their strange language. Build up her confusion.)

Suddenly, an Egyptian boy noticed me. "What are those strange clothing you're wearing?" he asked, looking up to me. That's strange, that he's peaking English instead of Arabic or something… (Ah, ah, ah. No cheating. The world will seem more surreal and dangerous if Garcia doesn't understand a single word that is being said to her. This will make her more confused and terrified and make us sympathize with her better.)

More important matters spun in my thoughts. How did I get here? Am I in the past? Why was I taken here? These questions spurred in my head, and I then noticed that Egyptian villagers formed a tight circle around me.(They don't huddle together and stare at people. The chances are they would keep their distance with only the occasional one trying to talk to her.)

They all peered at me, whispering to each other.

"Who is this girl?"

"I've never seen her in this village before."

"What are those things she's wearing for clothes." (They would think she was a foreigner. They wouldn't freak out too much.)

"She must be a witch!" 

Whoever said that amped up the crowd. "If that's the case, we should drive her out of our city!" one man said, picking up a rock from the ground. (Again, witchcraft and magic were quite common in Ancient Egypt, and they wouldn't driver her away right away. The chances are someone would take her in for a short while while she tried to adapt, or something alone those lines. It would be more interesting if she were to adapt to life in the village for a few months *permission granted to skip a few months* and then have something horrific happen to the village that would allow her to meet some of the palace guards who would most likely try and clean up the mess. She'd probably be one of the few survivors and thus taken in, questioned, and see the main cast. That would be an interesting concept.)

I froze, with the rest of them picking up rocks too. They're going to stone me!

And that's how I ended up here. In the middle of the desert. Back in Egyptian times. Far. Far, far away from home. Very far. 

It then hits me with the possibility that I might never come back home. I might die of dehydration out here on the desert…or die from a heat stroke…or die from more people around here who thinks that I'm a witch. (For some reason, this sentence seems a little too clumsy for me. Perhaps reword it. Build up her panic, and listen to dramatic music to help you. Gotta love dramatic music.)

I breathe slowly, realizing that I'm overanalyzing the situation (If only it was possible to calm down this easily.). I just have to figure out how to get home…and where to stay until I figure out. (Most people in this situation wouldn't be able to think this all through so quickly, panicking too much to care. Maybe have her come to this realization after she drinks some of the water.)

I take out my water bottle. I take a good chug, and quickly stop myself. I only have a half full left (The bottle was only half full.). It's going to be a full journey if I'm going to walk through a desert.("It was going to be a long journey, that much was for certain, so I would have to preserve it. After all, I had no idea if I would see any water other than this for a very long time.")

Alright, down to my overall review. It has potential, although there are quite a few inaccuracies here and there, especially with the whole witchcraft thing. In the future, you should always check up on google for these things. It's always good to make sure with these things. A little nitpick of my own is the names, which I find too uncommon for my liking, but that's just a nitpick. Your main downfall is the fact that you almost never put in description, isolating us from the story. Along with this, your transitions are somewhat forced. Despite this, I'm interested in how this will turn out in the end, I look forward to it.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Chronicles of MARS Prologue

Turns out I'm not dead. Shocking, right? Any-who, I have returned to my old habits of criticizing fan-fiction. Despite me defending people that write it, I'm not actually much of a fan. But I do love Sonic the Hedgehog. Hard to believe, but I love the series with a passion, even though my brother has never been so kind as to allow me to play his games. The character I love the most is poor Maria Robotnik. God, just thinking about her makes me want to cry like a baby, but I won't tell you why because half of you probably don't actually know. Anyway, she's involved in Shadow's (you know, the one fans keep fangirling over *myself involved because I'm just strange*) past and if you really can't afford the game, the power of wikipedia shall save you.

Anyway, around the time I regrew my childhood obsession I became aware of the fact that I had forgotten to update this blog. Naturally, I got right onto fanfiction.net and searched up the fanfictions relating to Maria. Not that much to be honest. Lots of yaoi including Shadow and Sonic, though. (I ain't no fan of yaoi, but I mean come on people; I was basically drowning in it.) Fortunately, I managed to save myself when I realized stuff could actually be tagged. So I searched the Maria tag, and found this.

Well, enough from me. Let's get right to it.

Summer, a time of joy for all. But for one girl, her summer would end up changing the very life that she had been living. (This seems better suited for the summary than the actual introduction sentence.)

"Come on," She thought watching the clock tick slowly away the last few minutes before the freedom bell rang. Her blonde hair tied back into a ponytail, sapphire eye stared at the clock as long waited bell finally rang (This sentence sounds bizarre mainly because of the beginning which doesn't particularly serve a purpose. Consider redoing this sentence.). Cheers of joy could be heard as teens poured into the halls after their final exam. The young girl sighed and walked out of the classroom with a young boy, with sandy brown hair and bright green eyes(again, this sentence is clumsy. Perhaps say: "The young girl sighed in relief and exited the classroom, a green-eyed boy following after her."), following right behind her. They were both around the age of 15. (This bit of information is unnecessary. Perhaps mention it elsewhere. Say, for example, she were to hide undercover for unknown reasons, have someone read out her profile or something of the sorts. All this information is unnecessary and does not drive the plot forward.)

"So Maria," the boy started, "How did you find the Science Exam today?" The girl, whose name was Maria, turned her head and grinned.

"Darcy (Darcy? Really? Perhaps go with a more common name; I can't stop thinking of Pride and Prejudice and even that was his last name.), you know I have an extreme gift in Maths, Sciences and the Arts(here I feel as though you are just pointlessly throwing information in our faces. Instead, say something more along the lines of: "Go ahead and guess, Darcy." Maria said with a slightly arrogant tone to her voice. Darcy sighed, knowing the answer. "Of course." That would be much better suited for the situation.), how do you think I found this exam?" She asked bluntly. The boy, Darcy, blushed in embarrassment.  (Along with this, you constantly mention "the boy" and then his name. This is no longer necessary. Just call him by his name now.)

"I guess it was extremely easy for you," he said quietly. Maria turned to her best friend and smiled. She and Darcy had been inseparable since Maria started going to school with him in Grade 7 (I feel I should point out that Maria was 14 in the canon; so she would have spent only a year on earth together.)and now they had just finished Grade 10 together. The two walked out the doors of the high school and to where they normally hang out, a giant hill that looked over the city of Station Square to watch the clouds go by overhead(This sentence is sloppy. Put it into another paragraph and elaborate on the description. Go into detail! Go insane with the detail! Let people feel the atmosphere, the peace, the sheer happiness of being there, for themselves. Best way to do this is to go onto Google images and get some images of cityscapes or the general area you are trying to get. I imagine the hill area in Black Rock Shooter with Mato and her friend, but that's just me. Try to expand on it for the viewers.) . Maria's blonde hair draped over her shoulder and sparkled off of her black tank top(this is just a personal thing, but I don't think Maria would wear black. She's more of a pastel person; but that's because I link pastel colours with innocent or caring characters. Just a thing.) as she laid on the grass. Darcy looked at her.

"Hey Maria, do you ever wonder if there are other survivors other than you from the Space Colony?" Maria got up and looked at her friend and frowned. (Rephase as: "Maria tilted her head to glance at Darcy. For a moment, her eyes darkened. Ever since Maria had woken her, G.U.N had informed her that she was the only survivor in the ARK explosion. Honestly, she was very lucky to be alive at all. Two inches to the left and she'd be dead. 

'No.' She responded. She was lying of course. It seemed all too strange that she would be the only survivor. Along with that, they never even returned the bodies to their families, although that was probably because there was nothing left of them. Still... she couldn't help but be suspicious." Along with this, I need to point out that any numbers that are ten or below must be fully spelt. Only after the number ten can they be written as numbers.)

"G.U.N. has been telling me since I woke up 3 years ago that I was only one that lived…which honestly amazes me. Another 2 inches closer and they would have hit me in the heart. But to answer your question Darcy I do believe they are not telling me everything and there could be someone from the ARK has survived as well…"

From their first sleepover Darcy had known most of Maria's life. The 2 inches away from her heart was when she got shot for letting her friend live. She was so lucky they had bad aim. She had told him stories about the Space Colony ARK, about how her sickness was cured(but it wasn't; who cured it? I always link NIBS to HIV. She probably takes frequent pills for it to slow it down. That would be better than having it suddenly be cured. Some people can die of old age rather than HIV when they take these pills; make this the case for Maria as well. This would also be interesting in terms of her ordering the pills from the clinic while she's undercover. It might be the only way G.U.N locate her.), and most important to Maria, about her best friend there. The Ultimate Lifeform(Although most fans will know right away who her best friend is, don't mention any names yet. Also, Project: Shadow was meant to be kept a secret and everyone, including Maria, was ordered to keep it a secret. Even now, I think she would keep Shadow private. Just thought I would point this out.). Darcy yawned, looking at his watch and told Maria that it was almost time for the buses to go. Maria nodded and the two of them walked down back to the school for Maria to get on her bus. As the buses came in Maria turned to her friend to say goodbye and she'll see him lots of the summer break. (These sentences are just clumsy. You need to stop bulletpointing the incidents; it just doesn't sound right. Try something more along the lines of: "Slowly, Maria lifted herself off the grass and brushed herself down. She picked up her satchel and, with a smile, said:

'I'll race you.' Naturally, Darcy took up the challenge." Something along those lines not only shows the relationship between Darcy and Maria, but also helps in sentence structure.)

"You miss him don't you?" Darcy asked. (No one has even mentioned Shadow in conversation yet. Don't throw this in. Maybe later on.)

"Yeah," Maria sighed, "Each and every day." And with that she boarded the bus.

-Prologue-

Maria Ann Sophia Robotnik (Unnecessary. Don't mention her full name.) lived with Nokia(Again, a change in name is necessary. Ordinary names are perfectly fine, you know.) Dennis since she woke up 3 years ago. Nokia was a nice and sweet woman at home but being a Lieutenant Colonel at G.U.N, she was not one to mess around with; especially when it came to Maria. The two lived in a large house with around four bedrooms about a 15 minute drive away from Station Square and a large wooden area separating them from the Mystic Ruins(this might just be me getting old, but as far as I know there are no Mystic Ruins in the middle of the city), a place where Maria would often sneak away to think(These sentences are, again, clumsy in structure. They need to be redrafted. Take time to, instead, observe the scenery outside the bus to give us an idea on the general area in which Maria lives.). However tonight Maria was found on the couch watching the ending ceremonies of the Soleanna's Festival of the Sun.

"Oh what I would do to be there watching this live and not on a TV," sighed Nokia. Maria looked at her and smiled.

"You'll get to go there one day. It just takes time," Maria said. Nokia sighed then looked up at her adopted daughter that she loved dearly(This is a case of telling us and not showing us. Writing is all about showing, not telling. SHOW us that Nokia cares about Maria, don't rub it in the readers faces.).

"Say…why don't we get some ice cream at th-" But before Nokia could get the rest of her sentence out, the phone rang, flashing the number of Samuel Peterson; the commander at Guardian Units of Nations or G.U.N. Maria sigh and pointed up the stairs indicating that she was heading to her room. Nokia nodded as Maria started her walk up to her room. As Maria reached the top of the stairs she looked at the cordless phone.

"Do you ever wonder if there are other survivors other than you from the Space Colony?" chimed Darcy's words in Maria's head.

"Well," She thought, "Curiosity hasn't killed the cat yet," and with that she grabbed the phone and headed straight to her room.

-Prologue-

Maria's room looked like any normal teenage girl's room, with the exception of no Twilight posters on her wall. Sure she had read the books but she just saw them as books and nothing to get all hyped up about. She sat on her bed, ear pressed on the phone and hand over the talking piece, listening to every word that was being said.

"This is my day off Samuel, what is it?" Nokia demanded, her tone coated in poison. She and the commander never got along.

"Team Dark (try a more subtle name. Examples of Battalions include the "Black Watch Battalion". It doesn't need to be too complex; just a colour and an object and you have a battalion name.) is back from their latest mission, we need to do a debrief." She heard a sigh from both the phone and down stairs.

"Fine let me tell Maria I'm going to work and…"

"She doesn't know about him being alive does she?" (A bit out of the blue, no? Try and make it a bit more subtle.) asked the commander. Maria pressed the phone onto her ear harder, her heart racing.

"So they are hiding things from me. WHAT JERKS! Who's alive from the ARK? Is it…no it couldn't be. Maybe it's Grandpa…or the Salem the chef…Oh I so want one of his chocolate chip cookies right now. Or maybe its…." Maria stopped herself in mid thought, "Now, now, Robotnik get it together. They probably shot him as soon as they found him." She kept listening on to the conversation that was going on.

"No she doesn't know that he's alive…though I still believe that she should…" Nokia mumbled.

"She will NEVER know about him," yelled the commander. Nokia shook her head and spoke as calm as she could get herself. (You need to explain his foul temper a bit better. Don't have him yell; it's unnecessary. Commanders don't lose their cool so easily.)

"If Maria finds out that Shadow is still alive, she'll go looking for him. Now if it was the other way and Shadow found out about Maria being alive…you are finished. I'll be there in ten minutes," and the called ended. Maria sat on her bed still in shock. Her emotions running wild. Anger built inside her knowing that her dear friend is alive and well and being hidden from her, sadness for everyone that did not live off of the ARK, and yet happy to know that Shadow was alive(Your clumsy sentences ruin the impact of this paragraph. Here is a better example: "The call ended before Maria could get anymore information. She heard the phone click, but she did not move the phone right away. Her thoughts were in turmoil. Anger, mixed with relief and shock, filled her every thought. He... he was alive? And Nokia had not told her? No, screw Nokia, G.U.N had not told her!? Better yet, they put in the effort to make sure she did not know! How dare they! All this time she had thought she was the lone survivor, feeling completely alone and knowing that her friends and family had died on that ship and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, it turned out that she was being deceived! Had the commander been standing in front of her right now, she probably would have strangled him." If you decide to redraft the chapter, this would be better suited.) .

"Maria," Nokia yelled from the bottom of the stairs. Maria quickly shoved the phone under her pillow.

"Yeah?" she stammered out as she walked out of her room and leaned over the railing, trying to cover up her conflicting emotions that, had she let them out of control, may have resulted in a rather unpleasant argument on both sides. Nokia looked up at her.

"GUN called and I have to go in a do a debrief with the one team. I'll be home at some point later tonight," Nokia looked up at the young girl. Nokia thought, for a moment, that Maria was sick as she had a fatigued look on her face and a haunting glow in her eyes. "Maria, you okay sweetie?"

"Uh…yeah I'm fine," she said forcing on a smile, the mask cracking as she held back the urge to shout back: 'No! I'm not okay, and you wanna know why? Because you've been lying to me the moment I woke up!', "anyway, I'll see you when you get back," Nokia smiled at the girl and left(Nokia didn't question Maria, despite being aware the obvious act. She pulled on her jacket, swung on her satchel and waved Maria goodbye. "If I don't make it back before tea time, there's pizza in the fridge."). The smiled faded from the girl's mouth as she walked to her bedroom(The moment the door clicked shut, the smile vanished and Maria's eyes darkened. Slowly, she turned on her heels and made her way back towards her room, a plan in mind.). She grabbed her backpack and started to fill it with clothes as she planned her mission, to run away from the world she once knew so much, the people that care("She stuffed her bag with clothes. Of course, she knew she would need more, so she collected some things from the bathroom (shampoo, deodorant, the sort) and then headed downstairs. The opened the cupboards and took out some junk food. She even took some tinned food in case she would be gone longer than expected which, knowing G.U.N, she would. She hesitated upon seeing Nokia's wallet but decided to take it. Nokia had poor memory so she wrote her pin codes on pieces of paper and then shoved them in the wallet. Unlucky for Nokia, but lucky for Maria (or whoever else managed to steal her wallet). She walked back up the stairs to change clothes, deciding she would have to wear something a little warmer for a while. She didn't have much hoodies or sweaters in her wardrobe, the only ones she had being a light blue or a lilac. She decided to use the light blue one, pulling it over her shirt. It was hot just now, but once she got outside she would be grateful for the outer layers. Deciding she had enough, Maria made her way downstairs, slipping on her trainers. At the last moment, she decided to put on a jacket, scarf and gloves. May as well add some extras while she could." This is a better description.). She changed into a black tank top and blue jeans and slipped into her black running shoes. Maria looked at the living room one last time before grabbing her midnight blue sweater and slipping out the door. A note was left on the kitchen table.

Nokia,

I know he's alive, and I will do anything to get him back. I know you wanted to tell me but you couldn't. So…I left.

I will find him no matter what.

~~~Maria A.S. Robotnik

(Maria took out the stickie notes from the drawer and clicked the pen. She knew what she wanted to say, but she couldn't write them. So she didn't:

'Nokia,

If you are reading this, then I am long gone. I found out the truth. I know you wanted to tell me, but now I have made up my mind. I don't know when I will be back. I don't know if I will be back at all. 

All I can say is thank you for everything you have done. Had you not taken me in, I may have ended up in an orphanage or on the streets. Again, I am happy for everything you have done for me, but this is something I must do.

Please don't look for me. 

That is all I wish from you.

-Maria.'

 It seemed good enough. Now that Maria read it over, she couldn't help but feel a heavy lump in her throat. She was throwing her life away for a person that had probably long forgotten about her. Still... she wanted to see him, and she wanted to know why G.U.N was trying to keep them separated. She would probably have to hide a lot. This was especially clear to her upon hearing the commander's reaction to Maria and her friend meeting again. 

Maria placed the pen down. She opened the back door. She hesitated, turning back to the note. 

'Sorry for stealing your wallet.' She wrote before finally gaining the courage to exit the house. The door shut behind her, and along with it her life.)

OVERALL

This has the potential to be a very gripping suspense. Your main issue revolves around poor sentence structure and your habit of telling, not showing. The overall idea is pretty interesting. I won't deny I'm a fan of the whole 'going undercover to find a friend all the while hiding from the government' idea and I do look forward to where this will continue. Expect more from me. I recommend you watch 'Monster' to help along with this. The music and animation is brilliant, but it also has the same suspense you are aiming to pull off.

(Note all the example paragraphs here CAN be used by anyone.)