I wake up, feeling
ached and tired(get grammar check on this sentence; there's something wrong with the sentence structure that makes it feel off-balance when read). Last night, I wasn't able to sleep very easily("I slept terribly last night" sounds better), with the
intense coldness(Copy that. Deserts are freezing at night, and I slept out in the cold because my dad was snoring inside.). I was chattering like crazy, with only a hide piece of fur
that was supposed to serve for a blanket!(Linen sheets were most commonly used for bedsheets, so it would be more likely that these were used. Link below.*)
Michael then tells me in breakfast, "It's common in
Egypt, the temperatures are crazy! At daytime, it's very hot, and at night
time, it's freezing, even to the points of below average temperatures!" (This isn't necessary. Perhaps have the sequence in which she gets out of bed, and sees Michael in the other room. Have her explore a bit.)
"Eventually," I repeat, slumping down. Adapting to
all of this is going to drive me crazy! It doesn't help from the fact that I
came from the 21st century, a place with ACs, junk food, and TV—electricity
overall! (Have her struggle against these sort of things later. For example, reaching out for a mobile and then realizing she doesn't have one, or craving crisps at one random point and having to deal with boiled potatoes instead. On that note, here's a link to the foods of Ancient Egypt that were most common.**)
I can feel my stomach grumbling from the unsatisfactory
breakfast of prickly pears, maize, and lukewarm water. I wanted pop tarts or lucky
charms! (Oh you Americans and your strange diets. I haven't had pop tarts since a good few months ago. Depending on the time of tear, a breakfast would most commonly consist of melons, apples, pomegranates, figs and sometimes fish. They would eat a lot since they wouldn't have lunch.)
"…By the way Violet, I'll be trying to teach you some
basic Arabic phrases and words today." Michael mentions to me. (Ancient Egyptian and Arabic are two different languages. Perhaps have it that he is instead a translator that was visiting the museum to see one of the exhibits or to meet a friend or something of the sorts. Here's another link for Ancient Egyptian.***)
"Oh. Okay."
"I'll teach you some right now." Michael then gets
up, and comes back with papyrus and some kind of reddish ink. He writes some
words on the papyrus, words with the English and Arabic meaning, and hands it
over to me. (Papyrus was actually pretty expensive in Ancient Egypt. I imagine this dapper gentleman having a satchel containing the sort of things one would have in such a satchel, including a notebook and a pen. Use this instead.)
I look over it. There are the basic phrases such as: 'Hello,
Goodbye, Sorry, You're Welcome, Thank you, How much is this,' and 'I love you.'
I notice that some phrases look and sound the same, so it'll be very confusing.
I rub my temples.
Michael reads the phrases out to me in Arabic, and I repeat
them. We repeat this process for a few minutes, when somebody comes in.
"Alright, study this, I just need to help some patients." He says to
me. I nod, and look over the paper. (He was only here for a short time, I don't think he would become a doctor so early. In fact, this entire time I've imagined him living on the edge of the village in a somewhat abandoned house with the villagers being cautious of him.)
The only ones that stick to me are 'Hello and goodbye.' I
keep on mixing the phrases 'I love you' and 'Will you be my friend' up with
each other. (Make sure you check this out in case. I'm no hieroglyphic maniac, but there could be some people out there. Use the third link for reference. It'll also link you to another number of useful websites.***)
Michael nods to me. "Just keep on practicing these
simple phrases everyday, and you'll be able to remember them. Soon enough,
you'll be able to move on to full sentences." (I learned in Egypt that the best way to pick up a language is to know the basic phrases and explore the markets. You can use these basic phrases such as thank you and no thank you and soon you'll pick up phrases such as 'Fresh fish, real cheap' which was something I actually learned. If you spend around six months within such a country, you can become almost fluent in the language. My friend also succeeded in this while she was in India.)
"I hope I won't." I say in low spirits.
"Why?" (Michael asks in a curious fashion.)
"Because it'll take me by the next two months(rather accurate?). And I
certainly don't want to be here that long!"
Michael laughs. "Well, you also need to do some
chores." (Let's pour some salt onto that injury, why don't we?)
"Chores?"
"Yes. Come on out Jahi(there's a link below to Ancient Egyptian names.****)!" he calls out to
somewhere. A small girl, probably of eleven years old, comes out. She has long
black hair reaching to her waist, and dark tan skin, with dark glowing eyes.
She cocks her little head at me, curiously.
"This is Violet. Introduce yourself." Michael says
to her in Arabic.
Jahi steps up to me, and gazes into me. I can read her
expression. You're strange and you don't belong here, don't you? (The girl stares up at me with piercing amber eyes. I know that look all too well: "You're strange, and you don't belong here.")
She says, "Hello,"
At least I know what she said. "Hello," I say
uncertainly. "Will you be my friend?" I ask, trying to be friendly.
Michael and Jahi both smile, as if amused of what I just
said. "W-what's the matter?" I question, confused, when Jahi bursts
out giggling.
"You said 'I love you'! What were you intending to
say?" Michael says, grinning.
I did a facepalm(I covered my face in shame. Of course.). "I meant to say, 'Will you be my
friend' but I got the phrases mixed up!"
They both laugh more. Jahi looks over to me, her eyes
twinkling with warmth now. "You're funny." She says, and I guess what
she said is good, even though I didn't understand what she said.
"Don't speak too much Arabic to her. She's a foreigner.
Just draw water and gather the required herbs from the oasis." Michael
says to her. She nods. (Again, the main languages used during this time of Ancient Egypt are: Greek, Latin, Babylonian, Ancient Egyptian, and Bantu, none of which Violet studies.)
Michael hands me a satchel with some papyrus inside filled
with notes and a flask of water with some other Egyptian food. "She'll
show you the way to an oasis. Just follow her lead." Michael whispers to
me. He hands me a bucket. (As a fun note, the chances are that this village as a well of sorts that collects the rain that occassionally appears. I was actually there when it rained in the desert and it was very green as soon as it stopped. The people still living in the desert actually had their roofs at a slant as they were built into a rocky area and the rain would move downwards into man-made channels to an area where they kept their water. It was very subtle and very clever.)
I nod in agreement, and follow Jahi out of the house. I
notice that she's carrying a crossbeam, with two buckets on the end. It must be
for carrying water. We walk through the streets of the city(wasn't this just a village?), until we make it
to some kind of fence with camels inside. Jahi talks to some grown-ups, and
they nod, bringing out a camel. (Here's a link to the travel of Ancient Egypt. They most commonly used donkeys or horses. *****)
She takes the camel by a rope around his neck, and walks him
throughout the crowded streets. I follow her, glancing around. I see vendors on
the side, lines of more adobe houses, or Egyptian people going on with their
everyday lives. (Go into a little more detail of the environment. Draw people in.)
After a few more minutes, we make it out of the city, and
Jahi mounts on the camel. I stare at her. She looks over to me. "Well? Get
on, silly girl!" she says to me, smiling.
I look at the camel's humpy back. It looks very
uncomfortable. I walk over to her, and clasp her outreached small hand. I
manage to get on the back. Jahi then pats the camel, and it begins to walk. Let
me correct that. Trek. It's trekking. Very…slooooolllyyy… (Not really. I've been on a camel. So long as you aren't a guy, it's actually quite comfortable, and running isn't unpleasant. It's only when they sit down that you risk falling off.)
The heat is burning. I pant, shielding my face. "Can
this thing go any faster?" I whisper to Jahi, who seems unbothered by the
heat. (Again, more detail.)
"Huh? It walks slowly. But if you want to walk on the
hot, scorching sand, find by me! It can probably walk faster!" she says to
me. Oh yeah, I forgot, it's the problem of MISCOMMUNICATION. Gosh damn it…
An hour later, I see a flash of green up ahead. I look up,
seeing a small patch of palm trees and water. "Wow! What the heck is this
doing out in the middle of nowhere?" I ask in shock.
"It's an oasis that the city uses. It's a good thing we
came early, because not much people are here yet." Jahi says. (Actually, if you arrived early there would be a lot of people there. Afternoon would be the best time, but around that time the heat can reach 52C)
I did not understand a word she just said, but I think that
this must be an oasis (she would get the idea through basic phrases she already knows. For example, when you do French you catch familiar words that you already know and you guess the phrase because of it.). It always mystifies me how these patches of life are out
in the hot, scorching, lifeless desert.
Once we make it there, Jahi brings the camel over to the
cool water to drink. I excitedly splash around in the water, as if it's the
last thing I'll ever see.
Jahi laughs (I'd think she'd be more strict. People were very serious about the water supplies). "Other people use this water too! And you
better start filling up the buckets!" she calls out.
But I continue to splash around excitedly. Finally, I got
settled down, and I obediently fill the buckets with water, along with Jahi. We
set them down, and she takes out the papyrus that Michael gave us.
She points at the paper. I glance down, seeing drawings of
plants and herbs. I'm assuming that we also came here to find these plants for
Michael, I guess. Jahi gets up and says, "I'm going over there to search
for this," She points to an herb on the paper. (It would be better if she went to the market for something like this instead. It was possible.)
"You look for this," she says, pointing to me, and
back to a picture of a plant. She gives it to me, and she then goes off into
the lush bushes and trees. I'm also guessing that I have to search for the
plant that she pointed to. I get up, and start searching the ground.
As I'm looking, I suddenly hear a shrill scream. I jump up.
"Jahi?" I yell, running into the direction she went. I then find
her…under the grasp of an Egyptian spiky white haired boy. I feel like as if I
recognize him, somewhere from my time…but, I have no time to think of that now,
because he has a knife! (Ain't nobody got time for that! Don't make her feel as though she knows him, that's too cliched.)
"You get away from her!" I shout, picking up a
branch.
He looks over to me, and back to a very scared Jahi.
"So there's more of you scum from the Pharaoh's kingdom? I would have to
get rid of you," he snarls. (TKB would most likely avoid causing trouble among the public, instead focusing his attention on the pharaoh and the government. He'd most likely want to actually gain the support of the people.)
"I said get away from her!" I say angrily, and I
go over to the boy and bonk(this sounds comedic. Make it a full out hit over the head.) him on the head as I hard as I could with my
branch.
He turns to me, anger flashing in his eye. "You dare
provoke me?" he says, eyeing me with his steely blue eyes. Uh-oh, I think
I just made him pissed. (He actually had toned down purple eyes. They are actually possible, hard to believe. I think he would most likely snarl and then get up. Make the situation more menacing if you do decide to continue it.)
"Run Jahi, run and get help!" I shout to her, now
that his attention is off her. She squeals, and quickly runs away.
He bellows. Yep, I made the situation even worse, hooray.
The boy pins me to a tree, with the dagger close to my neck.
"You have some nerve, just coming into my oasis, into
my property. I won't let you get out." He says to me. (Didn't you say that the villagers used this oasis all the time?)
"I have no idea what you just said, but let me
go!" I say, trying to get away from the blade of his knife.
He scoffs. "I have no idea what you're saying, but I
won't let you go. Because nobody dares provoke Thief King Bakura!" (The phrase: "I have no idea what you're saying" is used too much and it's becoming repetitive. Don't have them say this stuff; they're fighting each other. Maybe something different like: "Fucking Foreigner, I'll slit your throat right here!" or something more menacing.)
I once again had no idea what he just said, but I did caught
on the last part of what he said…Bakura…Thief King Bakura? Why does that sound
all too familiar? But before I even have time to think about it, he hits me on
the head—very hard I must mention, with the bottom of his dagger. I fall to the
ground, unconscious. (This is clumsily written. Consider something more like this: "I recognized that name. I kicked and I struggled against the boy as I tried to escape. Then it hit me. The boy hit my head against the rock. Oh... Bakura. You're Bakura.")
Overall, I see a little bit of improvement. I can see more detail put into your story, but you have a habit of repeating phrases over and over again, and it's mildly off-putting. Again, historical accuracy is necessary, and a bit of slowing down. Exploring the environment and adaption to the situation is good. I think it would be interesting to see Violet trying to adapt to her experience with this lovely young gentleman and perhaps she'll start to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome and they'll slowly develop an awkward relationship of some sorts without very much happening because of what is known to happen at the end. I think that would be interesting. On that note, I think you should get a beta reader to make sure you've got your grammar and spelling and the such tip-top.
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