Anyway, around the time I regrew my childhood obsession I became aware of the fact that I had forgotten to update this blog. Naturally, I got right onto fanfiction.net and searched up the fanfictions relating to Maria. Not that much to be honest. Lots of yaoi including Shadow and Sonic, though. (I ain't no fan of yaoi, but I mean come on people; I was basically drowning in it.) Fortunately, I managed to save myself when I realized stuff could actually be tagged. So I searched the Maria tag, and found this.
Well, enough from me. Let's get right to it.
Summer, a time of joy for all. But for one girl, her summer would end up changing the very life that she had been living. (This seems better suited for the summary than the actual introduction sentence.)
"Come on," She thought watching the clock tick slowly away the last few minutes before the freedom bell rang. Her blonde hair tied back into a ponytail, sapphire eye stared at the clock as long waited bell finally rang (This sentence sounds bizarre mainly because of the beginning which doesn't particularly serve a purpose. Consider redoing this sentence.). Cheers of joy could be heard as teens poured into the halls after their final exam. The young girl sighed and walked out of the classroom with a young boy, with sandy brown hair and bright green eyes(again, this sentence is clumsy. Perhaps say: "The young girl sighed in relief and exited the classroom, a green-eyed boy following after her."), following right behind her. They were both around the age of 15. (This bit of information is unnecessary. Perhaps mention it elsewhere. Say, for example, she were to hide undercover for unknown reasons, have someone read out her profile or something of the sorts. All this information is unnecessary and does not drive the plot forward.)
"So Maria," the boy started, "How did you find the Science Exam today?" The girl, whose name was Maria, turned her head and grinned.
"Darcy (Darcy? Really? Perhaps go with a more common name; I can't stop thinking of Pride and Prejudice and even that was his last name.), you know I have an extreme gift in Maths, Sciences and the Arts(here I feel as though you are just pointlessly throwing information in our faces. Instead, say something more along the lines of: "Go ahead and guess, Darcy." Maria said with a slightly arrogant tone to her voice. Darcy sighed, knowing the answer. "Of course." That would be much better suited for the situation.), how do you think I found this exam?" She asked bluntly. The boy, Darcy, blushed in embarrassment. (Along with this, you constantly mention "the boy" and then his name. This is no longer necessary. Just call him by his name now.)
"I guess it was extremely easy for you," he said quietly. Maria turned to her best friend and smiled. She and Darcy had been inseparable since Maria started going to school with him in Grade 7 (I feel I should point out that Maria was 14 in the canon; so she would have spent only a year on earth together.)and now they had just finished Grade 10 together. The two walked out the doors of the high school and to where they normally hang out, a giant hill that looked over the city of Station Square to watch the clouds go by overhead(This sentence is sloppy. Put it into another paragraph and elaborate on the description. Go into detail! Go insane with the detail! Let people feel the atmosphere, the peace, the sheer happiness of being there, for themselves. Best way to do this is to go onto Google images and get some images of cityscapes or the general area you are trying to get. I imagine the hill area in Black Rock Shooter with Mato and her friend, but that's just me. Try to expand on it for the viewers.) . Maria's blonde hair draped over her shoulder and sparkled off of her black tank top(this is just a personal thing, but I don't think Maria would wear black. She's more of a pastel person; but that's because I link pastel colours with innocent or caring characters. Just a thing.) as she laid on the grass. Darcy looked at her.
"Hey Maria, do you ever wonder if there are other survivors other than you from the Space Colony?" Maria got up and looked at her friend and frowned. (Rephase as: "Maria tilted her head to glance at Darcy. For a moment, her eyes darkened. Ever since Maria had woken her, G.U.N had informed her that she was the only survivor in the ARK explosion. Honestly, she was very lucky to be alive at all. Two inches to the left and she'd be dead.
'No.' She responded. She was lying of course. It seemed all too strange that she would be the only survivor. Along with that, they never even returned the bodies to their families, although that was probably because there was nothing left of them. Still... she couldn't help but be suspicious." Along with this, I need to point out that any numbers that are ten or below must be fully spelt. Only after the number ten can they be written as numbers.)
"G.U.N. has been telling me since I woke up 3 years ago that I was only one that lived…which honestly amazes me. Another 2 inches closer and they would have hit me in the heart. But to answer your question Darcy I do believe they are not telling me everything and there could be someone from the ARK has survived as well…"
From their first sleepover Darcy had known most of Maria's life. The 2 inches away from her heart was when she got shot for letting her friend live. She was so lucky they had bad aim. She had told him stories about the Space Colony ARK, about how her sickness was cured(but it wasn't; who cured it? I always link NIBS to HIV. She probably takes frequent pills for it to slow it down. That would be better than having it suddenly be cured. Some people can die of old age rather than HIV when they take these pills; make this the case for Maria as well. This would also be interesting in terms of her ordering the pills from the clinic while she's undercover. It might be the only way G.U.N locate her.), and most important to Maria, about her best friend there. The Ultimate Lifeform(Although most fans will know right away who her best friend is, don't mention any names yet. Also, Project: Shadow was meant to be kept a secret and everyone, including Maria, was ordered to keep it a secret. Even now, I think she would keep Shadow private. Just thought I would point this out.). Darcy yawned, looking at his watch and told Maria that it was almost time for the buses to go. Maria nodded and the two of them walked down back to the school for Maria to get on her bus. As the buses came in Maria turned to her friend to say goodbye and she'll see him lots of the summer break. (These sentences are just clumsy. You need to stop bulletpointing the incidents; it just doesn't sound right. Try something more along the lines of: "Slowly, Maria lifted herself off the grass and brushed herself down. She picked up her satchel and, with a smile, said:
'I'll race you.' Naturally, Darcy took up the challenge." Something along those lines not only shows the relationship between Darcy and Maria, but also helps in sentence structure.)
"You miss him don't you?" Darcy asked. (No one has even mentioned Shadow in conversation yet. Don't throw this in. Maybe later on.)
"Yeah," Maria sighed, "Each and every day." And with that she boarded the bus.
Maria Ann Sophia Robotnik (Unnecessary. Don't mention her full name.) lived with Nokia(Again, a change in name is necessary. Ordinary names are perfectly fine, you know.) Dennis since she woke up 3 years ago. Nokia was a nice and sweet woman at home but being a Lieutenant Colonel at G.U.N, she was not one to mess around with; especially when it came to Maria. The two lived in a large house with around four bedrooms about a 15 minute drive away from Station Square and a large wooden area separating them from the Mystic Ruins(this might just be me getting old, but as far as I know there are no Mystic Ruins in the middle of the city), a place where Maria would often sneak away to think(These sentences are, again, clumsy in structure. They need to be redrafted. Take time to, instead, observe the scenery outside the bus to give us an idea on the general area in which Maria lives.). However tonight Maria was found on the couch watching the ending ceremonies of the Soleanna's Festival of the Sun.
"Oh what I would do to be there watching this live and not on a TV," sighed Nokia. Maria looked at her and smiled.
"You'll get to go there one day. It just takes time," Maria said. Nokia sighed then looked up at her adopted daughter that she loved dearly(This is a case of telling us and not showing us. Writing is all about showing, not telling. SHOW us that Nokia cares about Maria, don't rub it in the readers faces.).
"Say…why don't we get some ice cream at th-" But before Nokia could get the rest of her sentence out, the phone rang, flashing the number of Samuel Peterson; the commander at Guardian Units of Nations or G.U.N. Maria sigh and pointed up the stairs indicating that she was heading to her room. Nokia nodded as Maria started her walk up to her room. As Maria reached the top of the stairs she looked at the cordless phone.
"Do you ever wonder if there are other survivors other than you from the Space Colony?" chimed Darcy's words in Maria's head.
"Well," She thought, "Curiosity hasn't killed the cat yet," and with that she grabbed the phone and headed straight to her room.
Maria's room looked like any normal teenage girl's room, with the exception of no Twilight posters on her wall. Sure she had read the books but she just saw them as books and nothing to get all hyped up about. She sat on her bed, ear pressed on the phone and hand over the talking piece, listening to every word that was being said.
"This is my day off Samuel, what is it?" Nokia demanded, her tone coated in poison. She and the commander never got along.
"Team Dark (try a more subtle name. Examples of Battalions include the "Black Watch Battalion". It doesn't need to be too complex; just a colour and an object and you have a battalion name.) is back from their latest mission, we need to do a debrief." She heard a sigh from both the phone and down stairs.
"Fine let me tell Maria I'm going to work and…"
"She doesn't know about him being alive does she?" (A bit out of the blue, no? Try and make it a bit more subtle.) asked the commander. Maria pressed the phone onto her ear harder, her heart racing.
"So they are hiding things from me. WHAT JERKS! Who's alive from the ARK? Is it…no it couldn't be. Maybe it's Grandpa…or the Salem the chef…Oh I so want one of his chocolate chip cookies right now. Or maybe its…." Maria stopped herself in mid thought, "Now, now, Robotnik get it together. They probably shot him as soon as they found him." She kept listening on to the conversation that was going on.
"No she doesn't know that he's alive…though I still believe that she should…" Nokia mumbled.
"She will NEVER know about him," yelled the commander. Nokia shook her head and spoke as calm as she could get herself. (You need to explain his foul temper a bit better. Don't have him yell; it's unnecessary. Commanders don't lose their cool so easily.)
"If Maria finds out that Shadow is still alive, she'll go looking for him. Now if it was the other way and Shadow found out about Maria being alive…you are finished. I'll be there in ten minutes," and the called ended. Maria sat on her bed still in shock. Her emotions running wild. Anger built inside her knowing that her dear friend is alive and well and being hidden from her, sadness for everyone that did not live off of the ARK, and yet happy to know that Shadow was alive(Your clumsy sentences ruin the impact of this paragraph. Here is a better example: "The call ended before Maria could get anymore information. She heard the phone click, but she did not move the phone right away. Her thoughts were in turmoil. Anger, mixed with relief and shock, filled her every thought. He... he was alive? And Nokia had not told her? No, screw Nokia, G.U.N had not told her!? Better yet, they put in the effort to make sure she did not know! How dare they! All this time she had thought she was the lone survivor, feeling completely alone and knowing that her friends and family had died on that ship and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, it turned out that she was being deceived! Had the commander been standing in front of her right now, she probably would have strangled him." If you decide to redraft the chapter, this would be better suited.) .
"Maria," Nokia yelled from the bottom of the stairs. Maria quickly shoved the phone under her pillow.
"Yeah?" she stammered out as she walked out of her room and leaned over the railing, trying to cover up her conflicting emotions that, had she let them out of control, may have resulted in a rather unpleasant argument on both sides. Nokia looked up at her.
"GUN called and I have to go in a do a debrief with the one team. I'll be home at some point later tonight," Nokia looked up at the young girl. Nokia thought, for a moment, that Maria was sick as she had a fatigued look on her face and a haunting glow in her eyes. "Maria, you okay sweetie?"
"Uh…yeah I'm fine," she said forcing on a smile, the mask cracking as she held back the urge to shout back: 'No! I'm not okay, and you wanna know why? Because you've been lying to me the moment I woke up!', "anyway, I'll see you when you get back," Nokia smiled at the girl and left(Nokia didn't question Maria, despite being aware the obvious act. She pulled on her jacket, swung on her satchel and waved Maria goodbye. "If I don't make it back before tea time, there's pizza in the fridge."). The smiled faded from the girl's mouth as she walked to her bedroom(The moment the door clicked shut, the smile vanished and Maria's eyes darkened. Slowly, she turned on her heels and made her way back towards her room, a plan in mind.). She grabbed her backpack and started to fill it with clothes as she planned her mission, to run away from the world she once knew so much, the people that care("She stuffed her bag with clothes. Of course, she knew she would need more, so she collected some things from the bathroom (shampoo, deodorant, the sort) and then headed downstairs. The opened the cupboards and took out some junk food. She even took some tinned food in case she would be gone longer than expected which, knowing G.U.N, she would. She hesitated upon seeing Nokia's wallet but decided to take it. Nokia had poor memory so she wrote her pin codes on pieces of paper and then shoved them in the wallet. Unlucky for Nokia, but lucky for Maria (or whoever else managed to steal her wallet). She walked back up the stairs to change clothes, deciding she would have to wear something a little warmer for a while. She didn't have much hoodies or sweaters in her wardrobe, the only ones she had being a light blue or a lilac. She decided to use the light blue one, pulling it over her shirt. It was hot just now, but once she got outside she would be grateful for the outer layers. Deciding she had enough, Maria made her way downstairs, slipping on her trainers. At the last moment, she decided to put on a jacket, scarf and gloves. May as well add some extras while she could." This is a better description.). She changed into a black tank top and blue jeans and slipped into her black running shoes. Maria looked at the living room one last time before grabbing her midnight blue sweater and slipping out the door. A note was left on the kitchen table.
Nokia,
I know he's alive, and I will do anything to get him back. I know you wanted to tell me but you couldn't. So…I left.
I will find him no matter what.
~~~Maria A.S. Robotnik
(Maria took out the stickie notes from the drawer and clicked the pen. She knew what she wanted to say, but she couldn't write them. So she didn't:
'Nokia,
If you are reading this, then I am long gone. I found out the truth. I know you wanted to tell me, but now I have made up my mind. I don't know when I will be back. I don't know if I will be back at all.
All I can say is thank you for everything you have done. Had you not taken me in, I may have ended up in an orphanage or on the streets. Again, I am happy for everything you have done for me, but this is something I must do.
Please don't look for me.
That is all I wish from you.
-Maria.'
It seemed good enough. Now that Maria read it over, she couldn't help but feel a heavy lump in her throat. She was throwing her life away for a person that had probably long forgotten about her. Still... she wanted to see him, and she wanted to know why G.U.N was trying to keep them separated. She would probably have to hide a lot. This was especially clear to her upon hearing the commander's reaction to Maria and her friend meeting again.
Maria placed the pen down. She opened the back door. She hesitated, turning back to the note.
'Sorry for stealing your wallet.' She wrote before finally gaining the courage to exit the house. The door shut behind her, and along with it her life.)
OVERALL
This has the potential to be a very gripping suspense. Your main issue revolves around poor sentence structure and your habit of telling, not showing. The overall idea is pretty interesting. I won't deny I'm a fan of the whole 'going undercover to find a friend all the while hiding from the government' idea and I do look forward to where this will continue. Expect more from me. I recommend you watch 'Monster' to help along with this. The music and animation is brilliant, but it also has the same suspense you are aiming to pull off.
(Note all the example paragraphs here CAN be used by anyone.)
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