(Nah! I lie! Here, a little song for you while you read: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0FA1yENqDU
~Chapter One~
"Oh crap! For the last time I'm telling you, I'm NOT a witch!"(Since it is implied she is in Ancient Egypt here, I'm gonna say it; 'witchcraft' was not frowned upon in Ancient Egypt, nor were they necessarily called witches. They honoured the same ancient gods and were known to harmonize themselves with the natural forces much like the wiccans of today. Along with this, the colour black was not a colour of evil, but mostly commonly luck as it was the black soil that provided them with good land. Here's a link for more information on Egyptian magic: http://www.mcaegypt.org/egyptianmagic.html) I shout, dodging another rock.
"Get out of here and never come back!" (How can Garcia understand this woman. Perhaps have it in italics or bold and have Garcia unable to understand what they are saying; I somewhat doubt she suddenly understands Arabic, better yet Ancient Egyptian) a villager shouts, throwing another rock at me.
I sprint away from the hail of rocks, running out of the crowded parts of the city(I repeat, they would not start pelting rocks at her because of her appearance. The chances are they would just throw hostile glares at her, after all they were quite hostile to outsiders but they wouldn't go to such extremes). I avoid the gazes of the guards post in front of the village, and run out to the hot empty desert(That wouldn't happen right away. I've been to Egypt myself and even in the desert villages, it's never a desert right away, and in this time there are guards around so they would most likely stop her at one point, thinking her a thief or something of the sorts).
After awhile, when I am certain that I got a good distance away, I plop down on the hot, hot sand(haha! I learnt that one the hard way. You could literally fry an egg on that stuff if it wasn't just dust).
"Ouch!" I hiss. I take out my umbrella, and my sweater to put under me(This seems a bit clumsy, try something a bit more like: "I pull off my sweater (why did I have it on in the first place?) and drop it clumsily on the sand. Taking out my umbrella, I stick it into the sand and hide under it. It seems that an umbrella is useful in a desert." Don't be afraid to go into a little detail.). I clutched the handle of the umbrella close to me, knowing that it's my certainty that I don't belong here. It all started this morning…a normal morning…(This seems a cliched transition. Try something more like: "I couldn't believe. If only it wasn't for that damned missing shoe..." or something like that. Something unexpected. I know she isn't missing a shoe here, but it's just an example.)
"Wake up!" I heard my mother shout.
I groaned only in reply, and rolled over.
"Up, up, UP!" she yelled, yanking the covers off the bed. ("I fell off the bed due to the sheer force of the yank.)
"Ughhhhhhhhh!" I moaned, very sleepy.
"Gah, you're going to be late for you're class trip! Now you get up right now Violet Garcia, or I will see to it personally that I will make you!"(Gosh, what a harsh mother. Perhaps put her in a lighter tone later on, or have a few flashbacks of nice times with her family. It'd be good to get a little backstory of Garcia so we can feel a little sympathy for her.) my mom said threateningly, hurrying out of my room.
I sighed tiredly, shuffling over to the mirror. My sandy blondish hair is disheveled, sticking out all over the place. I stared back at my tired blue eyes. (A grimy appearance is good, show her grumpy attitude as well while you're at it! She's a teenager! She has permission!)
That's right. It was a school trip to Washington D.C for a new Egyptian exhibit at a museum there(Even our school doesn't go that extreme, and we've had a trip to Borneo for two weeks to help orphanages and charities. Perhaps have it a little closer and for a little longer?). Then we'll have some kind of three-day overnight trip. It's pretty neat, so I guess that I wouldn't want to be late(A little enthusiasm. Come on, she's going halfway across the world. I'm a sarcastic little monkey and I'd be jumping for joy!).
"Good thing you got here in time V," my best friend, Kari Roblez, whispered to me. We call each other by initials, as something as our own thing(Clumsy sentence; rephrase).
I only yawned in reply.
She laughed along with my other best friend, Arianna Gonzales.
"Isn't this so exciting? We're going to Washington!" she said, excitedly, her black rimmed glasses sliding off her nose.
"Been there, done that. I go there on vacations or on the weekends because, um, I don't know, we live in Virginia, and Virginia is the state right next to Washington!" I said sarcastically, grinning. (A little unnecessary, it only makes me dislike your character.)
Arianna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's three days without any lousy parents to watch over us!"
"But there's teachers to watch us." Kari pointed out.
Arianna huffed. "You two are no fun at all!"
We both laughed. "Well, I'll give you one point A, it's three days hanging out with my best friends!" I said, smiling.
"Girls, stop talking, and get on the bus!" Ms. Laura said, pushing us on the bus.
It was pretty fun on the bus, and not long, so we got to Washington in no time within three hours.(Have some time on the bus. Get to know some of the people. You get to know a lot about a character's world with a simple bus trip, plus we need a little extra goof around here. Plus we can have it that Garcia, or V, is about to fall asleep when the bus does come to a stop, allowing for a smoother transition.)
We get off in this huge looking museum. (You need to have a better description than this. Does it look regal or new? Is the material dark, giving it a foreboding look, or is it a light colour, making it look grand? If it's based on an actual museum in Washington, try and describe that place without giving it away. Give us a sense of the scenery; that's vital for good story-writing.)
"Neato!" Kari exclaimed.
I glanced up at the banner hung in front of the building. 'Exhibition of The Mystery Of Egypt, Secrets of the Eye of Wadjet!'
I recognized the symbol on the banner…
"Hey, that almost looks like something from Yu-Gi-Oh!" I said suddenly. (Okay... I'm letting you get away with it, but I would have preferred if this were in fact in the Yu-Gi-Oh world and also would have made Bakura's later appearance *as I know you will most likely be doing* all the more frightening since she doesn't know him or his past.)
Both of my friends rolled their eyes. "Ugh, V, when will you get over your obsession?" Arianna said, slightly annoyed, but smiling.
"Yeah, especially with that, Bakura!" Kari said teasingly.
I grew red in the face (Makes her seem a little creepy...). What they said was pretty much true. But I'm 15 years old! I got over it! …At least mostly. I still have that Yu-Gi-Oh poster up in the basement…
"Shut up. And I'm not obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh. It's just that banner reminded me of that…"
We all entered the museum. I looked around, seeing artifacts in cases, and some mummified bodies.
"Remember students, right down notes on what you see, because later we'll give you a review sheet. And feel free to wander around the museum, for the exhibition is open only to us the whole day. But don't make too much of a ruckus," One of our teachers said. (PFT! If only real life teachers were so trusting. Mind you, there was the one exhibition in Belgium, but there was always one teacher around mainly for us to talk to *a young one had to be taken* but also to keep an eye on us)
At first, I hung out with my friends, talking and copying notes off each other. But eventually, I trailed off from them, off to another room. It was dark at first. However, spotlights suddenly turned on. (No museum I've been to *and I've been to a lot* has done that. Have her wander off to an area that's been closed off and have her curiousity get the better of her. This makes the soon to be unpleasant transition take place seem more likely, as the area has clearly been sealed off and somewhat hidden for a reason. In the future, when things are back to normal, maybe have someone explain this to her.)
I blinked my eyes, and in front of me is a huge tablet. I looked around. Nobody else seemed to be in this part of the museum. I went up to the tablet. (Another moment in which you could have gone into great detail! What's the atmosphere like? What's the room like? How does she feel about this? Go into brief detail about the tablet itself. Don't waste these opportunities!)
It looked like the same Egyptian get-up…until I reached the bottom. I saw…a spiky haired figure. My eyes widened, and I stifled a gasp. (Try and make this a little more subtle. Perhaps avoid the noticing the figures this time, but instead have her looking at the hieroglyphs and say something she shouldn't out loud. Maybe when everything's all over have her see the figures and then have it all click. That would be epic!)
T-that looks like…like…! No, no, I must be hallucinating! Or maybe it's a real pharaoh! Do Egyptian pharaohs have spiky hair…? (No, they don't. They often had all the hair of their bodies removed as body hair was seen as impure.
I scanned more of the picture. It looked like the tablet from the Yu-Gi-Oh anime, only it was different. Though instead of Kaiba fighting against Yami Yugi, it was instead…Bakura.
I backed away from the tablet. I didn't understand. Why…why would something like this be in this museum…let alone here? Maybe it's fake, or decoration. (That would be my first presumption. I would flat-out deny the fact that it was real, most likely for an act or something, those things they sometimes do at museums to attract visitors)
To make sure that I wasn't crazy, I reached up to touch the tablet. My hand touches the Eye of Wadjet. The stone felt…so real. Cold. Ancient.
Suddenly, it shined. And everything went black for me. (This transition is clumsy and needs some work. Perhaps nothing happens at first. Maybe she shrugs it off, declaring it a decoration, turns to leave when she hears a scratching or something, turns and then the tablet explodes. Then have her actually awake as she enters Ancient Egypt. That would be more dramatic and more fearful for Garcia's life, especially if you say something like: "It felt like a red hot needle was being stabbed into every pore of my body!" or something like that. Make the readers actually worry about what it going to happen to our heroine.)
I opened my eyes, and find myself…in a village. But it's not just any kind of village. It's an Egyptian styled setting. I fanned myself. So hot! Is this real? (Again, we need more description! What is she like when she first wakes up? How disorientated is she? Perhaps she gets up and sees the sandstone (or mud) houses and the villagers who look at her oddly, talking in their strange language. Build up her confusion.)
Suddenly, an Egyptian boy noticed me. "What are those strange clothing you're wearing?" he asked, looking up to me. That's strange, that he's peaking English instead of Arabic or something… (Ah, ah, ah. No cheating. The world will seem more surreal and dangerous if Garcia doesn't understand a single word that is being said to her. This will make her more confused and terrified and make us sympathize with her better.)
More important matters spun in my thoughts. How did I get here? Am I in the past? Why was I taken here? These questions spurred in my head, and I then noticed that Egyptian villagers formed a tight circle around me.(They don't huddle together and stare at people. The chances are they would keep their distance with only the occasional one trying to talk to her.)
They all peered at me, whispering to each other.
"Who is this girl?"
"I've never seen her in this village before."
"What are those things she's wearing for clothes." (They would think she was a foreigner. They wouldn't freak out too much.)
"She must be a witch!"
Whoever said that amped up the crowd. "If that's the case, we should drive her out of our city!" one man said, picking up a rock from the ground. (Again, witchcraft and magic were quite common in Ancient Egypt, and they wouldn't driver her away right away. The chances are someone would take her in for a short while while she tried to adapt, or something alone those lines. It would be more interesting if she were to adapt to life in the village for a few months *permission granted to skip a few months* and then have something horrific happen to the village that would allow her to meet some of the palace guards who would most likely try and clean up the mess. She'd probably be one of the few survivors and thus taken in, questioned, and see the main cast. That would be an interesting concept.)
I froze, with the rest of them picking up rocks too. They're going to stone me!
And that's how I ended up here. In the middle of the desert. Back in Egyptian times. Far. Far, far away from home. Very far.
It then hits me with the possibility that I might never come back home. I might die of dehydration out here on the desert…or die from a heat stroke…or die from more people around here who thinks that I'm a witch. (For some reason, this sentence seems a little too clumsy for me. Perhaps reword it. Build up her panic, and listen to dramatic music to help you. Gotta love dramatic music.)
I breathe slowly, realizing that I'm overanalyzing the situation (If only it was possible to calm down this easily.). I just have to figure out how to get home…and where to stay until I figure out. (Most people in this situation wouldn't be able to think this all through so quickly, panicking too much to care. Maybe have her come to this realization after she drinks some of the water.)
I take out my water bottle. I take a good chug, and quickly stop myself. I only have a half full left (The bottle was only half full.). It's going to be a full journey if I'm going to walk through a desert.("It was going to be a long journey, that much was for certain, so I would have to preserve it. After all, I had no idea if I would see any water other than this for a very long time.")
Alright, down to my overall review. It has potential, although there are quite a few inaccuracies here and there, especially with the whole witchcraft thing. In the future, you should always check up on google for these things. It's always good to make sure with these things. A little nitpick of my own is the names, which I find too uncommon for my liking, but that's just a nitpick. Your main downfall is the fact that you almost never put in description, isolating us from the story. Along with this, your transitions are somewhat forced. Despite this, I'm interested in how this will turn out in the end, I look forward to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment