Song of a Shadow Chapter One

Hello to all! I have returned once more, although only for a short while as soon I shall be taking a 9 and a half hour train journey down to Wales and then I shall take a boat to France for a week where I will have no internet access. Considering this fact, I thought it best that I review yet another fanfiction, this one being within the FMA: Brotherhood category. I'm too lazy (as always) to go into a full out description of the series, but I can tell you that this story centers around some poor little girl and the 'lovely' Selim Bradley who I suggest you avoid under all circumstances if you ever hear his presence. On that note, I feel I should mention that this story was created on Quizilla which pretty much prevents you from having proper paragraphing, grammar, spelling, etc. so some of the spelling and grammar errors are due to that. I mean, I wouldn't survive twelve seconds if I didn't have the right programs to stop me from goofing up. Anyway, that's enough talking on my part, this is the first chapter of Song of a Shadow (I prefer Shadow Song or Shadow Tune though, less of a mouthful)

Pride's P.O.V (It's always best to stick to one P.O.V, although I personally prefer if third person is used instead as it's much easier to describe the characters and the situation)

It was raining outside. My Mother thought it would be best to get me a baby sitter(I can't help but wonder if he would get a nanny instead. Perhaps change her role to that instead...), even though the servants were always here. According to Wrath She is Riza Hakweye and Roy Mustang's daughter (on that note, I feel I should point out that marriage between subordinates is illegal. Along with this, this is one point on the Mary-Sue counter). She is a state alchemist and uses wind alchemy (Unnecessary. There's no need for her to use alchemy or be a state alchemist. You need to have a very good reason to join the military at all. I don't think this is necessary.). She was one of the few to master it. I really don't want some women standing over my shoulder all the time. I heard the large door open down stairs and I walked down(More description of the scenery or what Selim is doing would be nice. Make the readers feel like they were there.). It was time to pretend. There she was, she couldn't be any older than thirteen(wow, so accurate. On that note, you have to be at least 14 to work at all, and around 16 to work as a babysitter. I know, I went thought that experience), she was soaked in water making her full curves visible(if she is indeed 13, then she had hardly began to develop. 14 year olds only have busty bodies in those horrible animes from hell. Please give her a simple figure). She was panting and looked like she was about to fall over(Isn't someone supposed to answer the door for her? Along with that, I think she would come prepared for the poor weather. After all, she's supposed to have a good impression on the people on the day or she ain't keeping the job for long.). My Mother draped her in a towel.

"Am I late?" The girl asked clearly out of breath. Yet than in walked Wrath(I don't understand what this is supposed to say), she stood straight and saluted, the towel now hanging from one shoulder. Wrath chuckled at the sight of one of his military workers in such poor condition and saluting. (Perhaps add a tiny bit more to this?)

"At ease Momoko(Japanese name. No, no. That's going to add to people criticism. Go for a British or a German name. Even Riza is short for Erizabeth which is the Japanese way of saying Elizabeth)," He chuckled. "You should get something warm into you, you looked like a rat that crawled out of the sewer."

"Is it really that bad?" Momoko ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. It was matted and stuck to her face, but that's what she gets for running through a down pour like this(I always imagine that when Pride thinks, he uses more proper terms and mannerisms considering his age).Wrath sent a maid off to go get her some soup(This is definitely not a good start for her. Normally employers would see you as no good if they had to take care of you and find another babysitter the next day). They nodded a farewell to her and left(Perhaps explain earlier why they're leaving and Selim's protests. After all, he is clearly showing his dislike of the situation so surely he protested earlier). Momoko looked over at me standing on the stairs. "You must be Selim." She smiled warmly. I could just make out sharp animal like fangs were her canine's were(Nopey nope. Normal teeth please.). I quickly retreated up off stairs only to her speak softly. "Cute kid, seems a little odd though."

Momoko's P.O.V

I was dragged up stairs into a warm bath, with a bowl of soup. I should be watching Selim, but the maid said she had it(Honestly, Momoko should be seen as more responsible and mature. She should have been seen as so from the very start rather than running blindly in the rain which makes her seem immature or unprepared). So I releaxed and sipped the warm soup. I couldn't get out until my clothes were returned. I heard the door creak open softly. I saw his black hair, and dark purple eyes. 

(Proper paragraphing.)"Selim?" I asked. I could see him nod and he crept back out again. What a strange little kid he was. That didn't matter right now. I reached into my purse on the toilet seat, and pulled out a small bottle of pills. I dropped two into the soup and stirred it around. "There that should stop the blood lust for now." I muttered. I wasn't human. I never was, and those two weren't my real parents. They adopted me. I was really two hundread years old, and I was a pureblood vampire. Riza and Roy took me in though, and I let them. They had no idea what I was, but as far as everybody knew I was their flesh and blood. (No. No. No. Every single one of these are a Mary-Sue factor, making your character more and more unrealistic. Vampires don't exist within the world of FMA, and I have dealt with enough vampires in my lifetime to hate them in any fanfiction that does have them in a world in which they do not exist. Along with this, there are no pills that can prevent bloodlust anywhere in the world. The best you get is an asylum and pills to stop psychotic fits by calming you down. Along with this, it is completely and utterly unnecessary. What's wrong with her being an ordinary human?)

The soup didn't last long and soon my clothes were given back to me. I quickly dried off, and put on my clothes. Drying my hair, brushing it, and putting my butterfly clip back in. (More description of the scenery around her before this please. Give us a feeling of just how fancy this place is compared to other places)

I walked through the mansion looking for Selim. He didn't seem to want to be found. I heard high squeaks then sudden silence. Like a rat being killed(Build up the suspense a little more here). I felt a shiver run through my body.

Prides's P.O.V

The small rodent was in the grasp of my shadow. That baby sitter. I wanted her dead. something about her was off. She was not a human. I could kill her easily, make it look like an assassin. Instead though I killed off a small rat. It didn't contain my burning wish to spill Momoko's blood. I found her outside my bedroom. She had gotten out of her bath. The strange girl looked me over. A look in her eye almost asking if I was human. I could feel it in her, she wasn't. I wanted to voice that out loud, but found I could not. Momoko's had found I wasn't human yet said nothing. We just looked each other in the eye. (I feel it unnecessary to go into Pride's P.O.V. Along with this, it annoys me that he just knows she isn't human. I still want her to be human, just some poor girl who got a babysitting job that, by complete accident, learned the truth but keeps it secret in fear of her own life. I feel that would be MUCH more interesting.)

"I won't tell if you don't." Her voice invaded my ears. I just nodded and walked off. I heard her being dragged off by a maid somewhere.

Momoko's P.O.V

I knew he wasn't human, it had just hit me the moment I looked into his eyes. When I really took a look. That didn't matter as a maid dragged me to the door where the Furher and his wife now stood. They smiled and I saw my father in the car outside. I bowed, and left. My first job only lasted a couple of hours, but I found a lot.

Alright, I won't deny that this doesn't quite meet my expectations. It has the potential to become an amazing suspense story (basically anything including Pride/Selim can turn into a suspense), but sadly it does not reach the mark. Nothing is built up except for that brief moment with the rat, but the suspense was cut far too short due to the sentence structure. Along with this, far too much is revealed far too early which completely obliterates the chances of creating a suspense. Build this stuff up, make us feel the fear that Momoko feels.

On that note, the one major flaw within this story is the character Momoko herself. Here's a list of changes that need to be done to make her a more realistic character:

• A change in name (specifically German or English)
• Her age to be of legal babysitting age (16+ to be hired)
• She does not need to be an alchemist, and being a state alchemist is an absolute no-no. She cannot be a state alchemist and a baby sitter
• Give her her own family. Don't just combine Roy and Riza together and say they adopted her. Create a family and a household for her. 
• Make her human. I cannot say this enough. Make her human. Vampires are prohibited in everything but AU's and even that has to be restricted greatly. I get enough vampires in my lifetime. 
• If you're wanting her to have a mental problem, search for real ones and the symptoms that come with it, the treatments and how this will affect her daily life
• Change her introduction and attitude. Babysitters are expected to be prepared for anything and everything and seen as mature and ready. Even when I was babysitting for my cousins, I would bring an umbrella on sunny days in case it rained. 

Explore the scenery and try to keep certain characters in character. How about a fun game of hide-and-seek or something of the sorts. Make it seem like Selim and Momoko are bonding, but give off a somewhat unsettling atmosphere which you can do through the occasional sentence:

"I couldn't seem to find him anywhere. He seemed to have vanished into thin air; he was like a shadow. I saw the thick red curtain move slightly and smiled. I think I found him."

You can help built up atmosphere by listening to music from shows such as Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, or Another which are great suspense horror animes with great music that will help you get by. 

On a final note, before posting on the not so trusty quizilla, make sure to grammar and spell check your chapters for the spelling and grammar errors that may occur. You can do this with your own computer, or you can find a spell/grammar check online.

Review: Great! Now I'm in Yu-Gi-Oh Egypt! Chapter One.

Turns out I'm not dead (shocking, right?) and I am still reviewing things, although lately I haven't found anything to read (mainly because I have been faced with so many Mary-Sue's it's actually scarring me for life) so it was quite a surprise when I came across this. This was from the Yu-Gi-Oh section (casually reliving my childhood) and is called Great! Now I'm In Yu-Gi-Oh Egypt! I was kinda hesitant at the title (I'm always fussy when it comes to titles), but I figured I would give it a shot, all things considered. So, this is a review of the first chapter of that long title ('The Many Misadventures of Garcia' would have made me giggle because I feel there are going to be a lot of misadventures in the future). Enough of the jibber-jabber, let's get started.
(Nah! I lie! Here, a little song for you while you read: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0FA1yENqDU

~Chapter One~

"Oh crap! For the last time I'm telling you, I'm NOT a witch!"(Since it is implied she is in Ancient Egypt here, I'm gonna say it; 'witchcraft' was not frowned upon in Ancient Egypt, nor were they necessarily called witches. They honoured the same ancient gods and were known to harmonize themselves with the natural forces much like the wiccans of today. Along with this, the colour black was not a colour of evil, but mostly commonly luck as it was the black soil that provided them with good land. Here's a link for more information on Egyptian magic: http://www.mcaegypt.org/egyptianmagic.html)  I shout, dodging another rock.

"Get out of here and never come back!" (How can Garcia understand this woman. Perhaps have it in italics or bold and have Garcia unable to understand what they are saying; I somewhat doubt she suddenly understands Arabic, better yet Ancient Egyptian) a villager shouts, throwing another rock at me.

I sprint away from the hail of rocks, running out of the crowded parts of the city(I repeat, they would not start pelting rocks at her because of her appearance. The chances are they would just throw hostile glares at her, after all they were quite hostile to outsiders but they wouldn't go to such extremes). I avoid the gazes of the guards post in front of the village, and run out to the hot empty desert(That wouldn't happen right away. I've been to Egypt myself and even in the desert villages, it's never a desert right away, and in this time there are guards around so they would most likely stop her at one point, thinking her a thief or something of the sorts).

After awhile, when I am certain that I got a good distance away, I plop down on the hot, hot sand(haha! I learnt that one the hard way. You could literally fry an egg on that stuff if it wasn't just dust).

"Ouch!" I hiss. I take out my umbrella, and my sweater to put under me(This seems a bit clumsy, try something a bit more like: "I pull off my sweater (why did I have it on in the first place?) and drop it clumsily on the sand. Taking out my umbrella, I stick it into the sand and hide under it. It seems that an umbrella is useful in a desert." Don't be afraid to go into a little detail.). I clutched the handle of the umbrella close to me, knowing that it's my certainty that I don't belong here. It all started this morning…a normal morning…(This seems a cliched transition. Try something more like: "I couldn't believe. If only it wasn't for that damned missing shoe..." or something like that. Something unexpected. I know she isn't missing a shoe here, but it's just an example.)

"Wake up!" I heard my mother shout.

I groaned only in reply, and rolled over.

"Up, up, UP!" she yelled, yanking the covers off the bed. ("I fell off the bed due to the sheer force of the yank.)

"Ughhhhhhhhh!" I moaned, very sleepy.

"Gah, you're going to be late for you're class trip! Now you get up right now Violet Garcia, or I will see to it personally that I will make you!"(Gosh, what a harsh mother. Perhaps put her in a lighter tone later on, or have a few flashbacks of nice times with her family. It'd be good to get a little backstory of Garcia so we can feel a little sympathy for her.) my mom said threateningly, hurrying out of my room.

I sighed tiredly, shuffling over to the mirror. My sandy blondish hair is disheveled, sticking out all over the place. I stared back at my tired blue eyes. (A grimy appearance is good, show her grumpy attitude as well while you're at it! She's a teenager! She has permission!)

That's right. It was a school trip to Washington D.C for a new Egyptian exhibit at a museum there(Even our school doesn't go that extreme, and we've had a trip to Borneo for two weeks to help orphanages and charities. Perhaps have it a little closer and for a little longer?). Then we'll have some kind of three-day overnight trip. It's pretty neat, so I guess that I wouldn't want to be late(A little enthusiasm. Come on, she's going halfway across the world. I'm a sarcastic little monkey and I'd be jumping for joy!).

Later, (Nothing wrong with just putting it into a new paragraph.)I got to school just in time, as my class was entering the bus to travel to Washington. (The driver wouldn't leave. The people always wait no matter what. We waited for at least 15 minutes for a group of girls to arrive onto the bus.)

"Good thing you got here in time V," my best friend, Kari Roblez, whispered to me. We call each other by initials, as something as our own thing(Clumsy sentence; rephrase).

I only yawned in reply.

She laughed along with my other best friend, Arianna Gonzales. 

"Isn't this so exciting? We're going to Washington!" she said, excitedly, her black rimmed glasses sliding off her nose.

"Been there, done that. I go there on vacations or on the weekends because, um, I don't know, we live in Virginia, and Virginia is the state right next to Washington!" I said sarcastically, grinning. (A little unnecessary, it only makes me dislike your character.)

Arianna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's three days without any lousy parents to watch over us!"

"But there's teachers to watch us." Kari pointed out.

Arianna huffed. "You two are no fun at all!"

We both laughed. "Well, I'll give you one point A, it's three days hanging out with my best friends!" I said, smiling.

"Girls, stop talking, and get on the bus!" Ms. Laura said, pushing us on the bus.

It was pretty fun on the bus, and not long, so we got to Washington in no time within three hours.(Have some time on the bus. Get to know some of the people. You get to know a lot about a character's world with a simple bus trip, plus we need a little extra goof around here. Plus we can have it that Garcia, or V, is about to fall asleep when the bus does come to a stop, allowing for a smoother transition.)

We get off in this huge looking museum. (You need to have a better description than this. Does it look regal or new? Is the material dark, giving it a foreboding look, or is it a light colour, making it look grand? If it's based on an actual museum in Washington, try and describe that place without giving it away. Give us a sense of the scenery; that's vital for good story-writing.)

"Neato!" Kari exclaimed.

I glanced up at the banner hung in front of the building. 'Exhibition of The Mystery Of Egypt, Secrets of the Eye of Wadjet!'

I recognized the symbol on the banner…

"Hey, that almost looks like something from Yu-Gi-Oh!" I said suddenly. (Okay... I'm letting you get away with it, but I would have preferred if this were in fact in the Yu-Gi-Oh world and also would have made Bakura's later appearance *as I know you will most likely be doing* all the more frightening since she doesn't know him or his past.)

Both of my friends rolled their eyes. "Ugh, V, when will you get over your obsession?" Arianna said, slightly annoyed, but smiling.

"Yeah, especially with that, Bakura!" Kari said teasingly.

I grew red in the face (Makes her seem a little creepy...). What they said was pretty much true. But I'm 15 years old! I got over it! …At least mostly. I still have that Yu-Gi-Oh poster up in the basement…

"Shut up. And I'm not obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh. It's just that banner reminded me of that…"

We all entered the museum. I looked around, seeing artifacts in cases, and some mummified bodies.

"Remember students, right down notes on what you see, because later we'll give you a review sheet. And feel free to wander around the museum, for the exhibition is open only to us the whole day. But don't make too much of a ruckus," One of our teachers said. (PFT! If only real life teachers were so trusting. Mind you, there was the one exhibition in Belgium, but there was always one teacher around mainly for us to talk to *a young one had to be taken* but also to keep an eye on us)

At first, I hung out with my friends, talking and copying notes off each other. But eventually, I trailed off from them, off to another room. It was dark at first. However, spotlights suddenly turned on. (No museum I've been to *and I've been to a lot* has done that. Have her wander off to an area that's been closed off and have her curiousity get the better of her. This makes the soon to be unpleasant transition take place seem more likely, as the area has clearly been sealed off and somewhat hidden for a reason. In the future, when things are back to normal, maybe have someone explain this to her.)

I blinked my eyes, and in front of me is a huge tablet. I looked around. Nobody else seemed to be in this part of the museum. I went up to the tablet. (Another moment in which you could have gone into great detail! What's the atmosphere like? What's the room like? How does she feel about this? Go into brief detail about the tablet itself. Don't waste these opportunities!)

It looked like the same Egyptian get-up…until I reached the bottom. I saw…a spiky haired figure. My eyes widened, and I stifled a gasp. (Try and make this a little more subtle. Perhaps avoid the noticing the figures this time, but instead have her looking at the hieroglyphs and say something she shouldn't out loud. Maybe when everything's all over have her see the figures and then have it all click. That would be epic!)

T-that looks like…like…! No, no, I must be hallucinating! Or maybe it's a real pharaoh! Do Egyptian pharaohs have spiky hair…? (No, they don't. They often had all the hair of their bodies removed as body hair was seen as impure.

I scanned more of the picture. It looked like the tablet from the Yu-Gi-Oh anime, only it was different. Though instead of Kaiba fighting against Yami Yugi, it was instead…Bakura.

I backed away from the tablet. I didn't understand. Why…why would something like this be in this museum…let alone here? Maybe it's fake, or decoration. (That would be my first presumption. I would flat-out deny the fact that it was real, most likely for an act or something, those things they sometimes do at museums to attract visitors)

To make sure that I wasn't crazy, I reached up to touch the tablet. My hand touches the Eye of Wadjet. The stone felt…so real. Cold. Ancient. 

Suddenly, it shined. And everything went black for me. (This transition is clumsy and needs some work. Perhaps nothing happens at first. Maybe she shrugs it off, declaring it a decoration, turns to leave when she hears a scratching or something, turns and then the tablet explodes. Then have her actually awake as she enters Ancient Egypt. That would be more dramatic and more fearful for Garcia's life, especially if you say something like: "It felt like a red hot needle was being stabbed into every pore of my body!" or something like that. Make the readers actually worry about what it going to happen to our heroine.)

I opened my eyes, and find myself…in a village. But it's not just any kind of village. It's an Egyptian styled setting. I fanned myself. So hot! Is this real? (Again, we need more description! What is she like when she first wakes up? How disorientated is she? Perhaps she gets up and sees the sandstone (or mud) houses and the villagers who look at her oddly, talking in their strange language. Build up her confusion.)

Suddenly, an Egyptian boy noticed me. "What are those strange clothing you're wearing?" he asked, looking up to me. That's strange, that he's peaking English instead of Arabic or something… (Ah, ah, ah. No cheating. The world will seem more surreal and dangerous if Garcia doesn't understand a single word that is being said to her. This will make her more confused and terrified and make us sympathize with her better.)

More important matters spun in my thoughts. How did I get here? Am I in the past? Why was I taken here? These questions spurred in my head, and I then noticed that Egyptian villagers formed a tight circle around me.(They don't huddle together and stare at people. The chances are they would keep their distance with only the occasional one trying to talk to her.)

They all peered at me, whispering to each other.

"Who is this girl?"

"I've never seen her in this village before."

"What are those things she's wearing for clothes." (They would think she was a foreigner. They wouldn't freak out too much.)

"She must be a witch!" 

Whoever said that amped up the crowd. "If that's the case, we should drive her out of our city!" one man said, picking up a rock from the ground. (Again, witchcraft and magic were quite common in Ancient Egypt, and they wouldn't driver her away right away. The chances are someone would take her in for a short while while she tried to adapt, or something alone those lines. It would be more interesting if she were to adapt to life in the village for a few months *permission granted to skip a few months* and then have something horrific happen to the village that would allow her to meet some of the palace guards who would most likely try and clean up the mess. She'd probably be one of the few survivors and thus taken in, questioned, and see the main cast. That would be an interesting concept.)

I froze, with the rest of them picking up rocks too. They're going to stone me!

And that's how I ended up here. In the middle of the desert. Back in Egyptian times. Far. Far, far away from home. Very far. 

It then hits me with the possibility that I might never come back home. I might die of dehydration out here on the desert…or die from a heat stroke…or die from more people around here who thinks that I'm a witch. (For some reason, this sentence seems a little too clumsy for me. Perhaps reword it. Build up her panic, and listen to dramatic music to help you. Gotta love dramatic music.)

I breathe slowly, realizing that I'm overanalyzing the situation (If only it was possible to calm down this easily.). I just have to figure out how to get home…and where to stay until I figure out. (Most people in this situation wouldn't be able to think this all through so quickly, panicking too much to care. Maybe have her come to this realization after she drinks some of the water.)

I take out my water bottle. I take a good chug, and quickly stop myself. I only have a half full left (The bottle was only half full.). It's going to be a full journey if I'm going to walk through a desert.("It was going to be a long journey, that much was for certain, so I would have to preserve it. After all, I had no idea if I would see any water other than this for a very long time.")

Alright, down to my overall review. It has potential, although there are quite a few inaccuracies here and there, especially with the whole witchcraft thing. In the future, you should always check up on google for these things. It's always good to make sure with these things. A little nitpick of my own is the names, which I find too uncommon for my liking, but that's just a nitpick. Your main downfall is the fact that you almost never put in description, isolating us from the story. Along with this, your transitions are somewhat forced. Despite this, I'm interested in how this will turn out in the end, I look forward to it.