Pride's P.O.V (It's always best to stick to one P.O.V, although I personally prefer if third person is used instead as it's much easier to describe the characters and the situation)
It was raining outside. My Mother thought it would be best to get me a baby sitter(I can't help but wonder if he would get a nanny instead. Perhaps change her role to that instead...), even though the servants were always here. According to Wrath She is Riza Hakweye and Roy Mustang's daughter (on that note, I feel I should point out that marriage between subordinates is illegal. Along with this, this is one point on the Mary-Sue counter). She is a state alchemist and uses wind alchemy (Unnecessary. There's no need for her to use alchemy or be a state alchemist. You need to have a very good reason to join the military at all. I don't think this is necessary.). She was one of the few to master it. I really don't want some women standing over my shoulder all the time. I heard the large door open down stairs and I walked down(More description of the scenery or what Selim is doing would be nice. Make the readers feel like they were there.). It was time to pretend. There she was, she couldn't be any older than thirteen(wow, so accurate. On that note, you have to be at least 14 to work at all, and around 16 to work as a babysitter. I know, I went thought that experience), she was soaked in water making her full curves visible(if she is indeed 13, then she had hardly began to develop. 14 year olds only have busty bodies in those horrible animes from hell. Please give her a simple figure). She was panting and looked like she was about to fall over(Isn't someone supposed to answer the door for her? Along with that, I think she would come prepared for the poor weather. After all, she's supposed to have a good impression on the people on the day or she ain't keeping the job for long.). My Mother draped her in a towel.
"Am I late?" The girl asked clearly out of breath. Yet than in walked Wrath(I don't understand what this is supposed to say), she stood straight and saluted, the towel now hanging from one shoulder. Wrath chuckled at the sight of one of his military workers in such poor condition and saluting. (Perhaps add a tiny bit more to this?)
"At ease Momoko(Japanese name. No, no. That's going to add to people criticism. Go for a British or a German name. Even Riza is short for Erizabeth which is the Japanese way of saying Elizabeth)," He chuckled. "You should get something warm into you, you looked like a rat that crawled out of the sewer."
"Is it really that bad?" Momoko ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. It was matted and stuck to her face, but that's what she gets for running through a down pour like this(I always imagine that when Pride thinks, he uses more proper terms and mannerisms considering his age).Wrath sent a maid off to go get her some soup(This is definitely not a good start for her. Normally employers would see you as no good if they had to take care of you and find another babysitter the next day). They nodded a farewell to her and left(Perhaps explain earlier why they're leaving and Selim's protests. After all, he is clearly showing his dislike of the situation so surely he protested earlier). Momoko looked over at me standing on the stairs. "You must be Selim." She smiled warmly. I could just make out sharp animal like fangs were her canine's were(Nopey nope. Normal teeth please.). I quickly retreated up off stairs only to her speak softly. "Cute kid, seems a little odd though."
Momoko's P.O.V
I was dragged up stairs into a warm bath, with a bowl of soup. I should be watching Selim, but the maid said she had it(Honestly, Momoko should be seen as more responsible and mature. She should have been seen as so from the very start rather than running blindly in the rain which makes her seem immature or unprepared). So I releaxed and sipped the warm soup. I couldn't get out until my clothes were returned. I heard the door creak open softly. I saw his black hair, and dark purple eyes.
(Proper paragraphing.)"Selim?" I asked. I could see him nod and he crept back out again. What a strange little kid he was. That didn't matter right now. I reached into my purse on the toilet seat, and pulled out a small bottle of pills. I dropped two into the soup and stirred it around. "There that should stop the blood lust for now." I muttered. I wasn't human. I never was, and those two weren't my real parents. They adopted me. I was really two hundread years old, and I was a pureblood vampire. Riza and Roy took me in though, and I let them. They had no idea what I was, but as far as everybody knew I was their flesh and blood. (No. No. No. Every single one of these are a Mary-Sue factor, making your character more and more unrealistic. Vampires don't exist within the world of FMA, and I have dealt with enough vampires in my lifetime to hate them in any fanfiction that does have them in a world in which they do not exist. Along with this, there are no pills that can prevent bloodlust anywhere in the world. The best you get is an asylum and pills to stop psychotic fits by calming you down. Along with this, it is completely and utterly unnecessary. What's wrong with her being an ordinary human?)
The soup didn't last long and soon my clothes were given back to me. I quickly dried off, and put on my clothes. Drying my hair, brushing it, and putting my butterfly clip back in. (More description of the scenery around her before this please. Give us a feeling of just how fancy this place is compared to other places)
I walked through the mansion looking for Selim. He didn't seem to want to be found. I heard high squeaks then sudden silence. Like a rat being killed(Build up the suspense a little more here). I felt a shiver run through my body.
Prides's P.O.V
The small rodent was in the grasp of my shadow. That baby sitter. I wanted her dead. something about her was off. She was not a human. I could kill her easily, make it look like an assassin. Instead though I killed off a small rat. It didn't contain my burning wish to spill Momoko's blood. I found her outside my bedroom. She had gotten out of her bath. The strange girl looked me over. A look in her eye almost asking if I was human. I could feel it in her, she wasn't. I wanted to voice that out loud, but found I could not. Momoko's had found I wasn't human yet said nothing. We just looked each other in the eye. (I feel it unnecessary to go into Pride's P.O.V. Along with this, it annoys me that he just knows she isn't human. I still want her to be human, just some poor girl who got a babysitting job that, by complete accident, learned the truth but keeps it secret in fear of her own life. I feel that would be MUCH more interesting.)
"I won't tell if you don't." Her voice invaded my ears. I just nodded and walked off. I heard her being dragged off by a maid somewhere.
Alright, I won't deny that this doesn't quite meet my expectations. It has the potential to become an amazing suspense story (basically anything including Pride/Selim can turn into a suspense), but sadly it does not reach the mark. Nothing is built up except for that brief moment with the rat, but the suspense was cut far too short due to the sentence structure. Along with this, far too much is revealed far too early which completely obliterates the chances of creating a suspense. Build this stuff up, make us feel the fear that Momoko feels.
On that note, the one major flaw within this story is the character Momoko herself. Here's a list of changes that need to be done to make her a more realistic character:
- A change in name (specifically German or English)
- Her age to be of legal babysitting age (16+ to be hired)
- She does not need to be an alchemist, and being a state alchemist is an absolute no-no. She cannot be a state alchemist and a baby sitter
- Give her her own family. Don't just combine Roy and Riza together and say they adopted her. Create a family and a household for her.
- Make her human. I cannot say this enough. Make her human. Vampires are prohibited in everything but AU's and even that has to be restricted greatly. I get enough vampires in my lifetime.
- If you're wanting her to have a mental problem, search for real ones and the symptoms that come with it, the treatments and how this will affect her daily life
- Change her introduction and attitude. Babysitters are expected to be prepared for anything and everything and seen as mature and ready. Even when I was babysitting for my cousins, I would bring an umbrella on sunny days in case it rained.
Explore the scenery and try to keep certain characters in character. How about a fun game of hide-and-seek or something of the sorts. Make it seem like Selim and Momoko are bonding, but give off a somewhat unsettling atmosphere which you can do through the occasional sentence:
"I couldn't seem to find him anywhere. He seemed to have vanished into thin air; he was like a shadow. I saw the thick red curtain move slightly and smiled. I think I found him."
You can help built up atmosphere by listening to music from shows such as Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, or Another which are great suspense horror animes with great music that will help you get by.
On a final note, before posting on the not so trusty quizilla, make sure to grammar and spell check your chapters for the spelling and grammar errors that may occur. You can do this with your own computer, or you can find a spell/grammar check online.
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