I LIVE! Hello all members of the... internet. It is I, Rinrei, and I have come back to you all with an original fiction written by crystalbyugan on the website Quizilla. Now, I have no idea what is going on in this series as I was checking out the most popular stories on Quizilla (some were unpleasant) and thought I would give the most popular genre a shot (even though I'm not a particular fan of vampire romances these days, there are a few good ones out there). This series is still going on, and is on its 31st chapter; I will take up the challenge of reviewing all the chapters. With that thought in mind; here's my criti-thing.
"Come on Arianne! It's getting dark!" My best friend Selena urged," You know this place isn't safe at night and besides, we've been here all day." (Immediate comment on the fact that these are very uncommon and old-fashioned names and should be changed. Even if they were, say vampires from long, long ago, they're names would have changed over time. Along with this, I find it much more likely that these teenagers would actually be out all night with a group of friends getting drunk or looking for ghosts. Far too many times I've faced them.)
I was busy exploring the off limited parts of the park as it was 11:30pm and all the park workers had left (Does this mean there is construction going on around the park? Parks don't have park workers. If there's construction going on, mention it. Describe the scenery. Elaborate for us.). Out of the corner of my eyes up in a tree I could see a pair of blue eyes, and a pair of green eyes, watching me from above(The only eyes that I know to be reflective are animal eyes and even then humans hardly ever see them. I think it would be more believable if she were to hear rustling or walking nearby, run to her friend and decide it was time to leave. That would be what I would do in that situation. Along with this, you introduce this threat far too early; have your character explore a bit more, develop her and her personality. Why exactly is she out this late? Go into greater detail.). I tried to squint to try to make out the silhouettes, but before I knew it they were gone. I shook my head, and walked back over to Selena who was stood waiting impatiently for me. (I think Aria's response to the situation would further develop her character. If she were to run towards the eyes to see what they were, it would show a curious and reckless character, if she were to leave them be but keep an eye on the bushes, she would be a cautious person. If she were to sneak over to the bushes to see if she could get a closer look but leave if she thought she was getting to close, it would show a cautious but curious individual. Use this moment! I know nothing of your character yet.)
"Come on let's hurry. I saw two creepy eyes watching me in a tree."
The park we were in was huge and it was a twenty minute walk to the exit, me and Selena were walking as fast as we could. It began to get colder and darker and eventually I could see my steamy breath. (Parks are never this large. At least, not where I am. A 15 minute walk from one end to the other is the maximum and that's at the average walking pace of 4mph *don't ask why I timed it*. The phrase "steamy breath" doesn't seem to create the correct atmosphere; I mistakenly thought of a hot temperature before I remembered that that doesn't happen. Try 'icy breath' or just 'breath'.)
"Gosh temperature falls to quickly here.("Damn, it gets cold around here way too fast." Is a much easier way to get to the point.)" I heard Selena mutter grumpily," Arianne it's your fault if I'm ill with the cold tomorrow." She jabbed me in my arm.
I chuckled," Aww come on. You didn't have to wait for me." I teased.
I glanced behind me as I felt we were being followed and as I thought, the two silhouettes were following us. The same ones from in the tree with the blue and green eyes, they were approaching fast. (What would be more effective was if you were to have the character turn their head while they were talking to Selena and see something out of the corner of their eye and then notice the two figures. Build up the atmosphere, build up the tension to make it seem as thought the characters are really in danger.)
"Selena. Don't look, but I think we're being followed." I muttered , only slightly turning my head to her ear so she could here me, and so it wasn't obvious I was on to the two stalkers.
"Arianne. I know this is just one of your prank,s just so you can yell 'psyche! Gotcha again!' I'm not falling for it."(She doesn't take this seriously enough. Have more detail into the fact that Aria actually looks creeped out and after this comment make Selena aware of this.)
"No I'm actually being serious. Hurry up."
"So you're telling me if I turn around there'll be two guys following us?"
"Yes!" I exclaimed.
She stopped and turned behind,"Haha very funny." She rolled her eyes and gave a sarcastic laugh.
"What?" When I turned there was nothing there at all. It was just me, Selena and the creepy trees. Was I hallucinating maybe? Was I really that tired? Or maybe I ate something weird. Either way whatever it was that were following us couldn't have been there in the first place. Things don't just vanish, and even if they did, how would they climb a 20 foot fence or just run off into the forest? I sighed a sigh of relief. (Yet more things that you did not explain. Here, you need to rephrase a few things just to make it easier to read. Have Aria rub her eyes a few times just to make sure before she concludes that she was in fact hallucinating, continue on their little trek, elaborate more on the scenery and how the character's are feeling.)
"Arianne?"Selena whispered in a shaky tone, "Are those the things you were on about?" (Did Selena turn around? Why? Or are they perhaps in front of her? Explain this.)
They were about 10 feet away from us. But how? And what were they? Were they some weird mutant humans? (So they don't look human. Describe them. Don't leave it all up to the reader. Are they a yellowish colour? 10 feet tall? Have more limbs than a human would normally have? Shark teeth *oh lord, shark teeth*.)
"We have to run!" She demanded grabbing my wrist and attempting to run the long way around the two things. Hopefully we could outrun them with our tag and football skills. (The last sentence is clumsy, perhaps because the information of football and tag is introduced weakly.)
"My arm!" Selena yelled. (Just have her scream.)
When I looked up one of the things were between us. He was paying his attention to Selena, but when he did turn me. He wasn't anything like I described. In fact the complete opposite. He was just a guy, maybe a year or two older than me and Selena. But his eyes. Why were they like that? (This is a good paragraph, mainly for the ending.)
Glowing...
"Now, if either of you move we'll tear out your throats. Understand?" He looked back to Selena, "You, go to your friend, stay there and don't speak." He snapped. (More menacing if he were to snarl menacingly; get a look at those lovely teeth of his.)
She ran over to me, obviously terrified.
"We have to run Arianne!" She whispered.
"What good will that do? You saw how one threw us apart what if the other gets involved? No, we'll wait until we're out on the road."
Inside I knew she was right, but we had two options, 20 foot fence or deep dark forest. Neither was an option. Well, not a logical option. They would catch up to us in no time, and then we were as good as dead.
"Arianne we have to try." She pleaded.
"Your wrist is dislocated. No. Just stay put."
She slumped and sighed, before I could say anything she had jetted off heading off to the forest. She was crazy! Surely she didn't think she could escape? I watched the violent one turn viciously.
"Hey!" The main guy called,"Leyton! Keep an eye on this one!" He ordered, referring to me.
'Leyton' stood in front of me. He didn't look as violent as the other guy, but who knew?
"I'd suggest you looked away from your friend." He murmured. (It isn't mentioned that she was looking in the direction her friend was running.)
"Huh?" I gave him a weird look.
I heard a blood curdling scream that was immediately cut off. The guy had ripped out Selena's throat with his teeth. (Does Aria see the blood on his face and assume this?) Blood was flying from her as her half alive body flopped to the floor. She layed on her back and she began to fit. (Perhaps make this situation more gruesome. Make it even clearer than this man is no more than a dangerous animal. How is he responding. Does he not show any emotion? Is he smiling? Frowning?)
"Selena!" I yelled, I ran over and put her hand in mine, and began to cry. Her blood was going over me as I hugged her frail body. She began to choke on her blood as it came flying from both her mouth and neck,"Selena don't die! Please don't die!" I begged. She had tears coming from her eyes which resulted in me crying heavier. (I feel there isn't quite enough heartbreak in this paragraph. Go into a little bit more detail, rephrase things ever so slightly and this'll be true angst. The truth is I don't feel much for Selena's death since I haven't been given much time to know her.)
She couldn't die, I wouldn't let her. Not tonight. Not before her time. I violently pulled the scarf from around my neck and pressed it over Selena's throat applying as much pressure as possible. I knew it was pointless, it would only pro-long her death. Her painful death.
Slowly her eyes began to roll back into her head, as she began to silence."Selena? Selena!" I cried whilst shaking her body waiting for a reaction from her. (Perhaps have her slap Selena's cheek to see if she's sleeping. Have her go into immediate denial. Perhaps pinch her own cheek to see if she's actually sleep.)
"She's dead. I made sure I tore out her windpipe." Said the guy smirking down at me.
"You bastard!! You killed her! You killed her!!" I screamed at him as loud as my lungs would let me. (Have the other person hold her back as she snarls and actually tries to kill the man in front of her. Just how scary is she when she's angry? Does she look like a psychotic puppy or bull?)
Looking at the guy I noticed he looked very similar to the one with green eyes. They had to be twins.
"She heard my warning as clear as you did. Move and you die. You didn't think I was bluffing did you?" I heard him laugh slightly,"Now come on. We're leaving."
"No! I'm staying here with her. I can't just leave her like this." I slowly closed Selena's eyes with my two fingers and covered up as much of her upper body with my jacket. (No one would react this calmly unless they saw a dead body before. It would be more depressing if she were to just sit there, or lay there and weep. That would be a very painful scene to watch.)
"Why? The cops will only arrest you with her murder."
"I'm not leaving!!" I repeated. It was my fault she was dead, if we had left at seven, when she said, we wouldn't be in this situation. We be at her house watching a movie with some hot chocolate in a warm bed.
Alive. (That's pretty impactful. Keep it.)
"We're leaving now!" He demanded
"No!"
He sighed and shook his head," You're both as stubborn as each other."
"Jayden, you can't kill her. She's the last one on the list. We have to bring her back." (Make it clear that Jayden actually looks like he's about to kill her. Have his brother stop him just before he does. Actions speak louder than words. Then have Jayden relax.)
He scowled and glared at me (Aria wouldn't be looking at this point. She'd be looking at her friend.). He clenched his fists, that was the last thing I saw before everything went black... (The ellipses at the end is unnecessary. Since Aria would not be looking all she would see was Selena before she a heavy weight hit the back of her head, and the fading image of her dead friend. I feel this would work better.)
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Tell me what you think and if i should carry on or not :P thanks for reading! :)x
Alright, a decent chapter. The main problem I find with this first chapter is that you don't give us enough time to feel sad about Selena's death as we know nothing about her, and we don't see the true horror of just how much it affected Aria. Here I make a reference to the first episode of Attack on Titan where the main character's mother is eaten alive in front of him by a titan. It is completely heart-wrenching and disturbing because we see his relationship with his mother beforehand, we see their relationship, we see him struggle to stop the situation, and we see the terror on both sides. Developing the character's personalities and description of scenery are the two major problems with this. Most of this chapter is talk, and while that may work with a TV script, it doesn't work for story writing. We don't even know what time of year it is. Is it snowing? Are the trees orange? I don't know. The characters are rather bland at the moment; I can't really contrast the character's of Aria and Selena because they seem too alike other than Selena wanted to leave earlier than Aria which makes me assume she's more responsible.
Other than that, this has the potential to be an interesting story. I'll be reading the next chapter soon.
