Chapter 1:
I sit at my desk listening to my iPod (Inuyasha is set in 1997 in the manga and 2000 in the anime,
so Ipod's didn't even exist. Change this to something else. A radio would do.) in angry silence. I
really can't believe my mum is doing this to me! Yeah, I did disobey her and go to the concert, but
honestly!(Well I would be pissed off to, I mean she has no idea where she is so naturally she's
worried.) I had already accepted the gig when she told me it was fine, then fucking two days
before the concert she decides that my band plays 'devil music'(wait, she's part of a band? I
want to say you need to be careful of this because this may get people to say 'Mary-sue'. Just
say that she went to see a gig on her own.) and the only way I could go was if I sang church
hymns… no thank you.
Now she's sending me to Japan (Parents don't go this extreme unless it's because of something like
the death of someone very important. Don't use a gig or something as an excuse to go to Japan;
make it something more serious, but only imply the need for change. This makes the character's
situation more serious.)where I'll have to help out at a relative's shrine, a very distant relative who
I've never met before to make things better! God this is gonna suck! (This seems more like a
summary than anything else. Elaborate on the character's life before they move. We don't even
know fully where they are. A desk could be at school or at home. Expand on relationships between
friends, teachers, etc. What is their life like here? Don't cut it off too short.)
~Two Days Later~(This is unnecessary. A simple line would do. Or better yet, make it the start
of the chapter, or even a new chapter while we explore the character's life in a prologue.)
My mum walks me to security and hands me my ticket,
"I'm sorry honey, but you've been in a rebellious phase for far too long. Not only do you frequently
disobey me, but you're disrespectful, came home with tattoos and piercings, you listen to that
trash, and now you're trying to make a living out of singing in a trash making band!" (Sorry, but
this dialogue is poor and wooden. No mother would flat out say this to their child, and especially
in such a manner and in a public place. This needs redrafting. Make the mother seem more
concerned than angry. Seriously. This whole method of pushing the plot forward by having a
mother angry due to this definitely needs to be redone. Make it more realistic.)
"I really hope you're listening to yourself right now," I say angrily. "I'll see you in two months
when I get out of the hellhole you're sending me to, bye." I start walking to the first kiosk that
will check my ticket, and then I turn around quickly. "Mum," I call out. My mum turns and I can
see tears in her eyes and immediately feel bad. "I love you," I tell her. (Again, this needs
redrafting. No mother would toss their child *lord knows her age* out so quickly over something
so small. Fix it.)
She smiles softly, "I love you too hon." I then hug her and make it through security with no big
hassle. I've made it a point to, no matter how angry I am, I always will say goodbye to my mom
or any relative by giving them a hug and telling them I love them, because if, God forbid, anything
were to happen, I really wouldn't want to leave on a foul note. (This is a good aspect of your
character, but you have basically thrown it in the reader's faces and after reading the part above
it doesn't seem to fit. Your character seems far too bitter and angry at the moment. Had she just
been bitter and had the situation been more intense her bitterness would have been more
understandable. Show this caring side in later chapters as well, but don't throw the speech in the
readers faces.)
After security, I go to try to find my terminal, and I have to end up asking for help. I'm somewhat
directionally challenged, so I get lost often(I know that feel. I got lost on the way to the shop
once. Has the character looked at the maps in the airport?).
There's (There was?) about a two hour wait before my plane starts to board, so I read to pass
the time. The time passes(I feel I should point out how difficult it is to write in present time and
how often it draws people away. Perhaps stick to past tense?) quickly, and before I know it, I'm
seated on the plane for the 9(1-10 must be said as words. Only numbers after ten can be said as
numbers unless you want to keep it consistent and go for words anyway.) and a half hour flight
from Sydney, Australia to Tokyo. I finish the 400 page book on the flight, and then I decide to get
some sleep (This is irrelevant. Cut it out. Just mention people waking her up.).
The flight attendants wake me up when they tell us that we will be landing shortly. The plane
lands, and everyone is in a rush to get off, so I wait for the crowd to mostly disperse before
grabbing my carry on and guitar case and start to walk off the plane.(Bit rushed. Expand it, even
if only a little bit.)
I get the rest of my bags from the baggage claim and then walk over to meet my distant relatives.
My aunt, I'll call her that for the purposes of keeping time, brought her daughter, Kagome(Again;
rushed. Expand on her looking around lost and then spotting these strange people with her name
written on it.), and they have a sign with my name written on it.
"So you're my relatives," I say, my Australian accent sounding thicker than usual since I just woke
up (I feel slightly uncomfortable with her being from Australia. Perhaps it's because I'd feel more
secure with her coming from somewhere closer by where she develops a Kanji accent instead.
That would help us connect with her better.).
"Umm, can you repeat that in Japanese?" my aunt asks me in Japanese.
"Yeah, sorry, I forgot," I say sheepishly. "I'm Kirie." (And now we get her name. Since she's
Japanese, and both her parents are Japanese, she should have a Japanese name. Kirie is not a
Japanese name.The closest you will get is Kirei which is a Japanese phrase used to basically say:
"It's beautiful!" and then there is "Kyrie" which is Greek for 'The Lord'. Since she's Japanese, she
needs a completely Japanese name. If you just type in 'Japanese Baby Names' on google you'll
find plenty of websites and find a suitable name for your character.)
"Do you play the guitar?" Kagome asks me suddenly.(It's hardly sudden. Besides, this should be
asked when they're in the car and have nothing to do.)
"Yeah," I smile, "I was in a band at home, which was one of the reasons mom sent me here."(I
don't think she'd tell them that.)
We make small talk about our interests and other things on the car ride; I learn that she's around
a year younger than me at fifteen. At one point, she asks me if I would sing a song for her, and
I agree in a heartbeat. Music is my life. I sing an acoustic version of one of my band's earlier
songs, while playing the acoustic guitar my mom let me bring(Again, while she loves music I doubt
she'd do it right away and in a public place. Nor do I think Kagome would ask. Kagome is one of
those people that doesn't want attention drawn to her and nothing draws attention more than a
person bursting out into song in the middle of an airport.). At the end of the song Kagome laughs
and applauds.(I don't like this paragraph. It's far too short. At least make up lyrics or something if
you're going to keep it here.)
"Wow, you're really good," she tells me.
I blush slightly, "Thanks."
We get to the shrine(Another quick cut? You're making this go by too quickly! Slow down! Explore
the scenery. Let's get to know the character and the environment otherwise it's a one-
dimensional character and a one-dimensional story. We need to explore their world more!), and
they leave waste no time in showing me around; first they show me the really large tree on their
property and then they show me the well(They wouldn't show this right away. Besides, we should
be witnessing this scene with her, maybe have her ask about it while she's being shown to her
room and the such. Then have her look around herself and have Kagome spot her and start a
conversation.*At the bottom is an example of a descriptive paragraph that you can use.). I walk
down the creaky steps and pear into the well curiously and see something twinkling at the bottom.
"Did one of you lose an earring?" I ask suddenly.
"Yeah," Kagome says, "why?"
"I found it," I reply, "I got this." I jump over the edge of the well, not worried because ive(Get
spell and grammar check in the future.) trained in martial arts since I was like 5(unnecessary and
adds to the 'Mary-sue' factor. Don't mention this, make her learn to fight.), and I'm sixteen now
(We already know this.). I fall and suddenly, the world seems to look a lot like space. "Great," I
mumble, "I must've been really tired."(She's be a bit more freaked out, even if she was tired. I see
things like that I'm like: Shit! I'm going insane! Your character is too relaxed here.)
The bottom of the well then comes back into my vision and I land on my feet(Again, she's too
relaxed here.). I then start to look around, and Ah-Hah! Found it!
"Oi! Kagome!" I yell. "I found your earring!"
There was no reply.
"That's a bit rude," I mumble, and then I use the vines on the side of the well to climb up. Funny,
I think, I don't remember these vines being here. "Hey, Lassie!" I yell to no one in particular. "Kirie
IS stuck in a well!" (Her method of getting here is too similar. Perhaps, instead, have it that she
was curious as to where Kagome kept on disappearing after spending a lot of time at the temple
and have her sneak into her massive son-of-a-barrel bag and end up falling with her. That seems
legit. Along with this, expand on description and confusion. You're lacking a lot of description when
it comes to the important things.)
"Who're you calling Lassie?" I hear a male voice growl irritably. I look up from around a foot away
from the top of the well and almost fall down in surprise.(Clumsy sentence. Redo.)
"Jesus!" I yell, "You almost made me fall!"
"I just called down to you, stupid woman," the strange looking boy yells. "Where's Kagome? And
who're you?"
"Kagome was here? I know her, she's a distant relative of mine," I tell him and then hop over the
top of the well.(I hardly think the conversation would be this short and simple. I mean, your
character would be pissed and distrustful, and Inuyasha would be distrustful and irritated and
generally annoyed. He will instantly be distrustful of things coming out of the well if they aren't
Kagome.)
I study the boy closer when he 'hmph's' and decide he must be some sort of cosplayer. It's the
only way I can explain the weird, but adorable, dog ears on his head. He also has long silver hair
and golden eyes, and that can't be natural I decide.(She's peeved off at him, so she would hardly
compliment his ears. I think the mention of the ears would come last since they're the strangest
part about him; the eyes could easily be mistaken as really bright brown eyes with yellow specks;
such things do exist.)
A faint light shines from the bottom of the well and I hear Kagome's voice call, "Kirie, are you here?"
"Yeah," I shout down to her. She climbs up the wall and then hugs me tight. (This still doesn't seem
right to me. It's happening too fast. Slow. It. Down.)
"I'm so glad you're okay! Oh, Inuyasha… you're here," she says hesitantly.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he shouts at her. "You do realize you're late, don't'cha?
While you're in your time, I'm here doing nothing while we should be hunting Naraku!" (Would he
really be shouting this when there was a stranger around? Again, he's distrustful even if Kagome
does know her.)
Kagome looks angrier at every word dog boy says. She finally snaps at him as he finishes his
tirade, "SIT BOY!" Inuyasha crashes to the ground. "Sorry about that, Kirie," Kagome smiles at me.
(Expand on description.)
"It's fine," I say truthfully, "you gotta keep your man in line, and I respect that." (Dialogue is
wooden.)
Kagome blushes, "He's not my ma-"
"I'm not her man!" Inuyasha yells, interrupting her.
"I'm sorry Lassie, I meant her dog," I snicker. Kagome tries to hide her laughter with a cough.
Inuyasha growls at me. "Kagome, please control that animal!" I laugh.
"I'll kill you!" he yells and jumps. Kagome immediately cries those two beautiful words and
Inuyasha crashes to the ground from midair.
I laugh, and then remember the issue at hand. "Okay, tell me the truth," I start, "where in the
hell are we?"
Overall, this chapter has been rushed far too much to the point where you quickly lose interest
in it. While grammar and spelling is okay, there are some errors every now and then. The main
issue is the total lack of description where it is needed and the rushed method of moving the plot
forward. Along with this, the whole situation that drives us to move is too weak. If she needs to
move, it has to be for a good reason. Also, why is Australia the place to be? Just make it
Southern Japan. And make it that they need to move for a good reason. Below is an example of a
possible paragraph, this involving the tree.
*I trudged across the courtyard, my sneakers scuffing across the ground. I had been here a week
and I was already bored out of my wits. I could still talk to my friends, but I started to disconnect
with them after a while. I would be transferring to a new school soon, and while I didn't feel
comfortable with it, it was better than moping around looking depressed. I thought I would be
able to talk to Kagome, but she was always doing her homework or out with her friends for days
on end. A cool wind swept over the temple. That giant tree looked all the more mysterious with
those strange charms on it. Even though it was spring, the tree was bare, which was unusual.
"You looking for something?" I turned to see Kagome there. Seemed she had finally returned from
her friends. She looked slightly worn out, and there were dirt marks all over her clothes.
"No, I was just wondering why there were charms on that tree." I answered shortly. Maybe the
people that made this shrine thought that since it had been on the property before the shrine
they should name it a sacred tree or something and stuck or charms to prove it. I wouldn't be
surprised.
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