“Hey!” I yelled into the
darkness, “Hey! Milo! Where the hell did you go?” (Rather sudden introduction here, consider revising. Maybe they were in town getting food or something of the sorts, and she noticed at one point her younger brother wasn't following her. This would allow for further character development and an understanding of their lifestyle without rubbing it in their face.) I was really starting to get
annoyed with him. He never could sit still, even when Mom and Dad were alive (This information should be delayed until much, much later, or not mentioned at all. While it serves as character background, some things are better off implied. In a dream or something of the sorts, show their lives as small children and a monologue of sorts from her; this will imply things, but won't rub it in the readers face.). I
remember. Mom would spend half her time wandering around looking for him. It was
irritating back then, but now, having to take care of him all on my lonesome (wrong use of the word here. Use 'own' instead. But is this piece of information really necessary? As mentioned before, expand the introduction and show off characters there; you can express a sense of irritation there.),
it was enough to piss anyone off.
“Huh?” a sound had come from the
alleyway across the street. Maybe a stray cat, but it was the best lead I’d had
all night (What is she doing out at night? Especially with a little kid. You could say she was heading home, but there was no reason for her to be out beyond evening time. The fact that her brother has been missing for so long means that she would at least consider talking to some guards. Some guards should be helping her if this is the case. Have her talk to them. Maybe they weren't interested because she was 'street scum' or something. Again, use this in the introduction before she gets to this situation.) . I didn’t think I’d ever see a silent night in Central (This sounds slightly off. Perhaps rephrase it?). There’s got
to be a first, I guess.
I walked timidly (since you emphasize what a strong individual she is, 'timidly' doesn't seem to work. Try sneakily, or maybe just quietly.) across the
street. It was sort of eerie, what with my footsteps being the only sound, and
the only lamppost for a block getting farther and farther away. (Expand on this further. Why else is it eerie? Here's an example to expand description: "An unsettling feeling overwhelmed me as I stepped away from the security of the lamppost and made my way into the dark alleyway. As I stood almost at the entrance of the alleyway, I considered turning back and leaving, but a voice and the sound of struggle stopped me.")
“Stop squirming around, you damn
brat!” (This is Envy, correct? Perhaps put some more violence in his tone. In the original subs, he sometimes swears like a sailor when he's angry or irritated.)
I stopped. The voice had come
from the alley. I wasn’t completely sure, but it sounded male. Maybe. (This repetition of doubt is unnecessary. Instead of mentioning the voice as male, mention how harsh or raspy it is. Anyone that knows FMA knows Envy's voice to be raspy. Don't have her simply mention is as male. In fact, don't mention the gender at all. Ain't no one got time for that! Something simply like "A raspy voice roared at something they were trying to fight back. It was only natural I presumed Milo, so I charged right in." Or something along those lines.)
“Let go of me, you big freak!” (Weirdo sounds a lot less forced. Or maybe the little lad caught some language off the men on the street and swears without knowing it's a bad word and someone his age shouldn't be using it.)
Milo!
“Leave my brother alone!” I
yelled, clearing the distance between myself and the alley. (Again, charging in sounds more dramatic and further emphasizes the character's bold personality.)
“Oh, look who decided to join
us,” ("Well, well, well, look who came to visit." Something like this is more like him/her/it.) said the voice from earlier. It suddenly struck me that it sounded
familiar. (How can it hit her suddenly? Maybe have the sense of familiarity emerge when Envy shows its face.)
“Who are you?” I demanded.
“That really doesn’t concern you
right now, does it?” I was getting pretty sure it was a guy (Again, this confusion with gender is unnecessary.). Why couldn’t I
remember where I’d heard that voice?
“You have my brother?” I glared
into the darkness.
The person laughed once, and
stepped out of the alley, and into the light. I gasped (narrowing her eyes seems more suiting for a cautious person). At first, I thought he
was holding a knife, but he wasn’t holding it (Reword this ever so slightly. It's a clumsy sentence.). It looked like the blade was his
forearm (Just say the blade was his forearm. Perhaps expand it: "The dark metal blade bulged out of a lean white arm in a repulsive manner; making it seem as though his arm had been roughly hacked off and a sword stuck in it's place). It didn’t look like anything I’d seen before. The worst part was that
the blade was pressed up against my brother’s neck.
I had to play it safe with this
guy (I had to be careful sounds more suiting.). If I didn’t, my brother would be a goner for sure. I looked the guy over.
Judging by his clothes and hair, he was probably a psycho (This informal sentence doesn't sound right. Have her seem more calculating: "He was wearing almost nothing at all, completely unaware of how it was almost winter. He stood quite confident, and there was a glimmer in his eyes that made him look almost certainly completely out of his mind. One wrong move and it'd be over for my brother. And probably me as well.). He didn’t seem like
he cared much about the cold of night, or for that fact, how vulnerable he was.
His arms, legs, and torso were bare. He really was feminine looking. His purple
eyes stared at me from behind his long, dark hair. I didn’t even know his name
and I hated his guts. (I like this part, keep it.)
“You have automail?” I eyed the
knife in place of his arm.
He laughed, “Nice try, but no.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you do.” (Not sure if that pun was intended or not, but oh snap!)
“Huh?” I asked. I was really
trying to keep my cool. One wrong move and Milo would be dead. (Don't mention this again. "I faltered for a moment. How... how did he know that?")
“You. You have automail, don’t
you?” he smiled wickedly. I now knew what his eyes were glimmering with; it was mockery.“Don’t tell me that little experiment of yours left all of
your limbs intact.” (Don't mention this. It's is unnecessary; especially when you consider the blind alchemist who ended up giving up his eyes for part of a human transmutation.)
I gasped, “How do you know about
that?” my voice wasn’t staying level. Maybe this guy wasn’t crazy. He seemed to
know a hell of a lot. (Again, the phrasing in this is awry. Try something more like this: "How... how do you even know that?" I asked, voice shaking slightly. This guy... something was wrong with him. How did he know so much? I told absolutely no one. No one should have known!
“You can thank this little runt
for that,” I knew he meant Milo, “He was bragging about how very proud he was
to have such a talented sister.” (After everything they may have been through, I think Milo would learn to keep his mouth shut, considering she would have warned and threatened him numerous times to keep his mouth shut. Imply something. Maybe he simply says: "A little birdie told me what I needed to know." That would work better."
If we got out of this alive, I’d
kill him.
“So,” I said, picking my words
carefully, “Why the interest in me?” ("So," I started, watching the knife carefully. "What with the interest in little, old me?" This seems more suiting for her.)
“You’re a perfect candidate for
sacrifice. I’m glad I found you before Wrath did. Father will be very pleased.” (He would never tell anyone this information if they could escape. For all he knows, she has no interest in saving her brother. After all, he has dealt with a number of people, and he tends to look on the negative side. Have him change the subject to exchanging another person's freedom for another.)
I really wanted to call him a
daddy’s boy.
“So what do you need my brother
for?”
“I’m glad you asked,” his grin
grew wider, “I’m willing to exchange his freedom for you.”
I got a twisted feeling in my
stomach. Maybe he was a pervert. If so, it wouldn’t be hard to get away from
him as soon as Milo was out of the picture. (This is too short. Expand it. "I felt something heavy in my stomach. One person's freedom for anothers? That sounded all too familiar to me. Milo was a fast runner; almost as fast as me. Once I was certain he was far enough, I would make a run for it." Or something along those lines.)
“Fine,” I said, “Give him here,
and I’ll come with you.”
He smiled, “Wise choice.” (Envy doesn't smile, he smirks. And wickedly as well.)
He shoved Milo into me. After
he’d released him, his arm burst into red sparks. His forearm, that had
previously been a knife, reverted to a normal arm. He was now wearing black,
fingerless gloves on both hands. ("He shoved away, almost like he was a used tissue. Red sparks burst from his sword arm, transforming it back into a hand. He wriggled his fingers slightly, as though checking to see they were still working. I wouldn't be surprised, considering what he had just done.)
“Tilly!” my brother gasped, “Is
that alchemy?”
“I don’t know,” I said to him,
not taking my eyes off the guy. ("I don't know." I answered shortly, eyeing the strange man cautiously. He had directed his attention back to us, and that stupid smirk was still on his face. Perhaps I would stay a little longer just to rip it off. Something like that is more suiting to your character.)
“Milo and Tilly?” he asked me
sarcastically, “What, did your parents think they were giving birth to cats?”
I growled at him.
“I said I’d come with you,” I
told him scornfully, “That doesn’t mean I have to put up with you insulting my
family. Try one more time and I’ll rip you apart.” (Considering she just said she'd be more cautious around him, she's really pushing her luck here. I would mention the part below before you do this. It means Tilly has less to worry about, and has no reason to hold back her irritation.)
“Ha! Go ahead, see what good it
does you.”
“Huh?” I asked. He just laughed. ("What?" I asked, slightly confused. He didn't seem in the slightest bit worried despite the fact that probably all of his captives threatened to do so at one point. Maybe he was so used to the threat he saw it as nothing more than a joke. The laugh that followed after sent shivers down my spine. It was a harsh, humourless laugh. I didn't like it.)
“So are you coming?” he eyed me.
I nodded, and turned to Milo. I bent down and hugged him.
“Listen,” I whispered in his ear,
“I want you to go far away from here. Leave to country if you have to.”
I straightened up. He just looked
at me determinedly. He’d follow through. He may not have taken daily life
seriously, but you could always trust him in a pinch. (Again, mention this part before he transforms his arm. Have him leave just as Tilly agrees to go with Envy.)
“Alright,” I turned to face the
guy again, “Let’s go.” (Perhaps at this point, have it that Milo has gotten far enough. She should be prepared to run rather than agree. Instead of saying anything, have her running as fast as she can, but have someone else knock her out before she can get far away. This way we know that Envy isn't alone.)
With my changes added in, this should make for an interesting beginning to series.
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